We had a day of filming for the documentary last weekend and as I sat down to have my intimate thoughts about Judson recorded, I was stunned by the waterfall of tears that abruptly sprung from my eyes before even opening my mouth to speak.  A dam ruptured.

Sadly, it seems over time, for various reasons, some of my outlets for expressing grief have become clogged, slowly creating blockades that permit access to certain feelings.  So when permission was given to open the blocked gateways to my heartache, the emotions forcefully cascaded from the easily obstructed portals. 

I was reminded how vital it is to have regular channels for expressing my ever-present sorrow.  And although I was bashful about gushing in that context, allowing my deep well of heartache to newly spill open felt healthy and refreshing.

1.  How do I even begin to express gratitude for the woman who bore me and would do anything for me?  My mom had her birthday this week and there are no words that adequately articulate my thankfulness for her.  When life has been filled with severe ups and downs she has been a constant in friendship, support, sacrifice, and love.  She weeps with me, laughs with me, and listens to me.  I cannot imagine life without her!

2.  When we were approached to have a short-feature documentary produced about Judson, I never imagined that we would be so profoundly touched by the director of the film.  Peter, an incredibly gifted filmmaker, has absolutely immersed himself in our story, spending hours with each person who has been intimately involved in our journey, watching every bit of footage I have of Judson (hours upon hours of video), reading everything I have written, but most of all, deeply feeling the pain with us.  He has given so much of himself to this project and I am tremendously grateful for him.

3.  I get such joy from watching Jessie play with her grandparents and am thankful for the time we had with them this week.

4.  I spent over an hour today lying on a bench off a local hiking path, listening to the wind, breathing the fresh, crisp air after the rain, and staring at the crystal blue sky.  I am grateful for the opportunity provided by my father-on-law to spend substantial time in solitude on Thursday afternoons.

5.  There is a public farm just a mile from our home that is a free source of fun, fascination, and learning.  As an animal lover, I found myself smiling ear-to-ear with gratitude this week as a calf licked my hands, a 2-day-old goat nursed from its mama, and a piglet squealed.  I marveled at God’s diverse and creative design reflected in the livestock on the farm and am thankful that Jessie has a similar love for animals!

6.  Every week now, I have been discovering flowers at Judson’s gravesite.  My heart melts that someone is taking the time to regularly acknowledge Jud in this way. 

7.  It was a blessing to gather together with my brother and his family to celebrate my mom’s birthday this week and I am thankful that Jessie has such neat cousins.

I was sitting on Judson’s bench this weekend as Jessie played on the nearby playground equipment.  While in a trance, caught in memories of Jud running and jumping on the little bridge directly in front of me, a father came and also sat down on the bench.  He struck up small talk with me, unknowingly disrupting my musing over Jud Bud.  As we chatted, a little boy suddenly came bounding over – a bright toe-head in a Lightning McQueen hat—and proceeded to give his dad, the man seated next to me, a high five and then went back to running around in the dirt.

“How old is your son?” I inquired, imagining my Juddy running up to slap-me-some-skin too.

“He’s five,” the man responded, full of well-warranted fatherly pride.

“Wow,” I replied under my breath with a deep sigh, taken back by his son’s similarity in age to Judson.

As the dad continued talking, my mind was all tied up in my little man as I tried to listen.  Part of me felt compelled to tell this dad about my beloved boy who had a mutual love for Lightning McQueen with an age that paralleled his son…but I chose to keep my silence.

Meanwhile, as we sat together on my Juddy’s bench, the heel of his shoe covering part of the memorial plaque cemented in the ground, I couldn’t help but consider how he had absolutely no idea that the woman sitting next to him is the mother of the little boy whose name is embossed in bronze under his foot.  This man was completely unaware that he and his boy were forcefully colliding with the sorrow in my heart.

Subsequently, I started to wonder what invisible pains might be in his heart.  Perhaps, unbeknownst to me, I was triggering his brokenness.  And maybe not him, but possibly someone else I had interacted with that day – the person I passed on my walk in the morning, or the grocer at our local market, or the man sitting at the adjacent table in Starbucks.  Did they have unseen anguish?  Did I inadvertently joggle their undetected pains?

It is odd how we can brush up against people every day, with stories just as real and significant as our own, yet never know what might be behind their sweet smile, distant stare, deep sigh, or nervous laugh.  It is a reminder to never forget that every pair of eyes reflects a unique journey of trials and triumph, inherently valuable, whether known or not.

I want to see outside myself to the stranger beside me.

Awhile back I was invited to write an article for Christian Women Online magazine about God’s grace through Judson’s suffering and death, and asked specifically to describe the manner in which God has carried us through our circumstances.  Occasionally, I check to see if there are any new comments posted to the article.

The other day I noted a new comment but was a bit taken back by the content…

“Sucks to be you!” it read.

The remark lingered in my mind.  Interestingly, it wasn’t the clearly callous and heartless nature of the response that caused me to pause, it was the substance of what was being communicated; the author was overtly expressing contempt for my life.

A comment such as this can tempt me into self-pity, buying the lies that my life indeed “sucks,” enticing me to scorn my suffering.

Truth be told, most of us want a life that would be desirable to others; we want experiences that are attractive and might even elicit yearning and envy from people.  We expect to feel validated if somehow others find our journey to be alluring.  Living in this world we are bombarded with tweaked messages that assign skewed value to various life experiences and it is easy to digest these lies.

Since losing Judson, I have been faced with a life that others might consider unappealing or even loathsome.  On one level it stings, but on a much deeper level I find myself overcome with the hope that the Lord, in fact, honors that which the world deems unattractive.  He blesses the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst, the persecuted, and more (Matthew 5) – those who are rejected by the world are cherished by God.  He esteems that which is disregarded.  He values what is despised.  He adores what is mocked.

So where the world may look at my experience and say, “Sucks to be you!” I want to lean into my Father who declares, “Beloved are you!”

1.  We have received some special words of encouragement from various people this week that have been a gift to help us keep plugging away even in our moments of significant discouragement.  So thankful for the supportive words from others!

2. Jessie hit another milestone this week, turning 3 ½.  How do I even describe the overflowing gratitude I feel in my heart for the Ladybug in our lives?!  My life is flooded with blessing and joy because of Jessie and I cherish every moment I am given with her.

3.  I marvel at the heart of my husband and am so proud of the gifts he has been given.  I was thankful for the opportunity to see Drake preach at our church on Sunday.  The last couple times he has preached at different churches and I wasn’t able to be there and it is a gift to see him in action – passionate, reflective, insightful, and solid!  You can click here to hear his message from Sunday.

4.  It was an honor to promote Judson’s book on the radio program Talk from the Heart with Rich Buhler on Tuesday and I am especially grateful for the manner in which he so skillfully and compassionately engaged our story while asking great, pertinent questions.  I am also very thankful to our friend Karise who pursued getting us on his show (you can click here to hear a recorded version of the show).

5.  I am grateful to have friends with very specific gifts who are willing to share them to help others.  This week I was specifically thankful for our friend, Eric, who is extremely tech savvy and helped us with some media needs.

6.  My nephew, Cameron, turned 13 this week.  I am so proud of him and thankful to be his aunt.  He is such a mature, bright, thoughtful, sensitive, talented, and very handsome young man...now a teenager!

7.  We were touched to have someone from our church, that we don’t really even know, leave a couple princess books on our porch for our little lady after hearing Drake mention in his sermon that Jess likes being a princess.  We are blown away and incredibly grateful for such thoughtfulness!

8.  My friends Sarah, Kelly, and I started a dinner/coffee club this week and the three of us will be meeting together regularly to intentionally share life.  I am extremely grateful for the two of them!

I am one of the millions of people who have found Facebook to be a great place to connect with old friends and keep in touch with people.  Though not part of my regular Facebook routine, I periodically take the time to read through the recent status updates posted by my friends. 

For those who are unfamiliar, status updates are a means by which people can post a brief message about absolutely anything, able to be quickly read by their network of trusted friends: updates are often recent activities, random thoughts, current gripes, favorite quotes, humor, etc.

As I was reading through the status updates of my Facebook friends the other day, I was struck by the diversity of personal experience all occurring within a three hour time period –strangely, this slice of life proved to be an accurate glimpse into the assortment of emotions constantly coexisting throughout the world.  Here is a sampling of status updates from my friends last Friday morning:

• Friend 1:  Please pray.  Our little Casey is having surgery to put tubes in her ears.
• Friend 2:  57 days and counting 'til our wedding...
• Friend 3:  My first teaching assignment today--exciting and scary.
• Friend 4:  Last day of vacation on the Hawaiian islands!
• Friend 5:  I feel queasy. Blah.
• Friend 6:  Happy 5th birthday to our precious granddaughter "Princess Leah."
• Friend 7:  Lazy Friday morning...in our pj's coloring, doing puppets shows, drinking coffee, making muffins.
• Friend 8:  Patti has developed pneumonia, is still on a respirator, heart 20-25% functioning.  Situation is "iffy."
• Friend 9:  Made it out the door with all four kids for the first time by myself today!
• Friend 10:  My hubby has the awesome task of buying us a new HDTV.
• Friend 11:  When climbing life's hills, be sure to pause every now and then and look back to see how far you've come.  It can help push you further on.
• Friend 12:  Stuck on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland.
• Friend 13:  Please God....don’t take Gabriel too! [Her first son died of an unknown leukodystrophy and her other son is afflicted with the same disease and currently in ICU fighting for his life.]

It is so jarring to read about one friend who is desperately crying out to God to spare the life of her child meanwhile another is excited to get a new TV.  While one person is having fun on vacation, starting a new job, celebrating a birthday, or preparing for marriage, another person is feeling under the weather, holding the hand of their child about to have surgery, or actually fearing for the life of a loved one.  It is bizarre to consider how at any given moment there are friends in my life who are facing the deepest of affliction, and at the same time others are overjoyed by their circumstances.

Life is strange.

Each person is on such a distinct journey, full of ups and downs.  And while my heart aches deeply for one friend, it rejoices with another, all the while also feeling my own emotions fluctuate each day over the circumstances in my life.

But as I have stated in previous blogs, I am discovering that to live wholly and love well seems to necessitate engaging it all, the joy and pain, along with everything in between, often even at the same time.

Half birthdays were deemed worthy of celebration in our home when Judson was born on Christmas Eve.  Faced with trying to determine how to best celebrate Jud’s life while making it unique from our Christmas celebrations, we started the half birthday plan.  And when Jessie was born, to be equally charitable, we decided to do a small shout-out to her on her half birthdays as well.  And so our plan was set in place.

When Judson died, the need to celebrate Jessie’s half birthday for the sake of equality became unnecessary.

But we are continuing the tradition anyway…

Yesterday was Jessie’s half birthday.  And, of course, she enthusiastically embraced her special day.  It brought great joy to my heart as I watched our little lady delight in her cupcake with 3 ½ candles, and the small gift we gave her.  But especially sweet to me was the feeling that we were honoring Judson too; for it is because of Jud that we took special time to honor Jessie’s life yesterday.

Over the years, I look forward to sharing with Jessie how her half birthday celebrations are one of the many sweet gifts that have come from her brother’s life.

Recently, I have been struck by the many moments when Drake and I have been in a situation where we are amongst other people and suddenly something occurs that causes our eyes to lock on one another in understanding and solidarity, even if we are across the room from each other.  It is as if everything else in our surroundings fades away and without a word between us, we have an idea what the other is thinking or feeling in that moment.  While those around us are oblivious, we share a look that speaks volumes, without a need for words.

These shared looks are a sweet gift and remind me that I am truly connected to someone else.  Drake knows me well enough (or I know him well enough) to recognize what the other might be thinking or feeling in a circumstance when everyone else seems to keep moving -- unaffected. 

And Drake is not the only one…these shared looks occur in any real relationship where there is a level of intimacy able to perceive the heart of another.   I have noted that my heart and soul are also intertwined enough with some of my family and friends to share looks of awareness when the rest of the world seems unaware.

Shared looks remind me that I am not alone.

1.  This week, I am most struck by God’s hand on our lives, grateful that even when our story is not the path we would have ever chosen, he is clearly involved and moving in ways we could never orchestrate ourselves (see Exciting News for more).

2.  Last Friday we shared a meal with our friends, the Robecks, who prepared amazing homemade Mexican food, along with some Valentine’s fun.  It was wonderful!  But more than anything, we are grateful for the love, support, and compassion they have shown our family.  Truly a blessing!

3.  I am grateful for friends who lets us crash their pad for community TV viewing (24 and Survivor).  Thanks Carpenters and Bobars!

4.  Drake had the day off on Monday and I loved the time the three of us spent together at Balboa Island – playing in the sand and water while hunting for crabs (in February!).  I caught myself trying to breathe deeply of the joy.

5.  I am incredibly grateful for my sister-in-law, Danielle.  As we chatted on the phone a couple times this week, I found myself overflowing with gratitude for her authenticity, her insight, her passion, and her love.  I was especially brought to tears over her love for Judson, her nephew.  She is a gem and I am blessed that Drake has such a cool sister!

6.  Spent some time yesterday at the local Nature Center and watched Jessie and her friend Isaac play in a spot where I remember Judson frolicking about.  My heart swelled with gratitude for my many sweet memories with Jud and that I am being given the gift to make more sweet memories with my Jessie-Girl.

7.  I am thankful that Drake has the opportunity to preach at our home church this Sunday.

8.  As I have watched my black eye slowly heal this last week, I am so grateful for the way God made our bodies to mend.  Amazing!

There is a technique in filmmaking whereby a highly busy street scene is sped up in fast motion, but there is one person in real time amidst the hurried landscape. 

I am that person.

Somehow, since losing Judson, I feel like I am in a time-warp, everything surrounding me moving at a rapidly different pace.  It is a strange sensation, like being in slow motion.  While society seems to be in a constant state of activity, bustling around me, I am simply waiting, feeling, hoping, reflecting, but moving ever so slowly in relation to my environment. 

My world stopped completely one day...and my pace has yet to catch up with the rest of the world around me.