Driving home from Palm Springs after being gone for the week, I was filled with great anticipation and excitement over the impending reunion with my little “Buggy B” – incredibly anxious to see her! 

Unfortunately, the car trip that should have taken only about 2 ½ hours turned into more than a 4 hour drive because of traffic and rain.  So by the time we finally reached our exit and pulled off the freeway, I was hootin’ and hollarin’ in the car with enthusiasm at the thought of soon holding my sweet lady.

Then my thoughts immediately shifted to Judson.  Struck by my eagerness to be reunited with Jessie after only 6 days, I imagined how it would pale in comparison to the reunion with my Buddy Boo after a lifetime.  Oh, the thought of holding my sweet man.

As a gesture to connect, I gently placed my left hand over Jud's name engraved on my wrist and whispered under my breath, “Someday soon, Juddy.  Someday soon.”

Eagerly I wait.

We have been in Palm Springs for the week, giving me so many reasons to be grateful…

1.  I am incredibly thankful to my parents who offered us their timeshare and are watching Jessie (and Howie) all week.  It is because of their gift of time, resources, and love that Drake and I have been able to enjoy some much needed rest and relaxation.

2.  The room where we are staying has a view of the mountains that includes snow-capped peaks bordering the desert.  It is absolutely stunning!  I am in awe of God’s creation and filled with gratitude for the way it draws me into worship of the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

3.  I am grateful for the laughter, tears, and even the moments of frustration that Drake and I have been able to share this week.

4.  As Drake and I were hiking through the Indian Canyon trails today and we passed a woman with a cane hobbling along on the arm of another hoping to see the beauty of the oasis,  I was reminded just how much the ability to walk is a gift.  I am grateful to be able to walk, run, hike, skip, and climb.

Drake and I are currently in Palm Springs.  I didn’t realize until we were driving here and memories suddenly came flooding back to me that the last time I visited the desert was with my Jud Bud.  Judson was 13 months old; he and I (Drake had to work) had driven out to spend a little time with my parents while they were vacationing in the dessert.

I vividly recall that it was during our visit to the palms that Judson truly started walking for the first time.  He had been taking steps for several weeks prior, but it was during our stay that he stepped out on his own, walking briskly with pride and enthusiasm.

The pivotal moment came as we were meandering into the grocery store…Judson suddenly and bravely let go of my hand, confidently taking steps on his own, grinning from ear to ear at his accomplishment.  As a new mom, I watched with awe and wonder, matching his pride and enthusiasm.   My heart was full of joy!  In that moment, my little guy discovered upright mobility and there was no turning back.  All over Palm Springs I have memories of my precious boy waddling like Frankenstein into my outstretched arms.

This morning I decided to pull up pictures from our visit to the desert to further engage those memories.  I was taken back to discover that it was exactly four years ago today, February 2, 2006, here in the desert, that my Juddy started walking.  And little did I know, 17 months later, after becoming paralyzed, my beloved boy would once again bravely take his first steps…into the arms of Jesus.

In many ways, since losing Judson, I have been paralyzed too, very slowly discovering what it means to walk again.  I am reminded this week, here in the desert where Judson started walking, that even if I am uncoordinated and awkward in my steps, that I too, need to be brave, keeping my eyes on the outstretched arms lovingly cheering me on, waiting to one day embrace me.   And as I step out in faith, my ability to walk again will grow.

For various reasons, I have been going to sleep feeling sad the last several nights.

Having run out of tissue beside my place of slumber, yesterday morning I went under the cabinet and grabbed a new box, placing it on the night stand next to my side of the bed.

Last night when I laid my head on the pillow, once again, tears were flowing.  I rolled over to grab a tissue and saw these words…

It startled me out of my sorrow.  Staring at me on a tissue box, of all things, was the truth that even though my tears tend to flow in solitary moments, I am never alone in my brokenness.  God has promised, “I’m there when you’re sad.”

Strangely, I found true comfort for my aching heart by reaching for a tissue.

1.  I have been feeling a little sick the last two days and it reminds me how thankful I am for health – not just health from sniffles, sneezes, and coughs, but I am incredibly grateful not to have any chronic ailments or physical disabilities that affect my day-to-day living.  I have been given a HUGE gift in being healthy!

2.  The other day Jessie wasn’t sleeping during her nap so I randomly decided to climb in bed with her and we snuggled for over an hour.  She showered me with thousands of kisses (which is uncommon for my little lady from whom I usually have to “steal” my kisses).  I laid there in bed with tears in my eyes as I marveled at the gift I was holding in my arms -- so grateful for the unplanned opportunity to connect with my Jessie-Girl!

3.  Our clothes dryer broke a couple weeks ago and my parents graciously offered to give us their washer and dryer (and purchased a new set).  They even drove 2 hours (both directions) to deliver it to us in their truck on Saturday.  The generosity of my folks truly met a need for us and it has been wonderful to no longer have piles of laundry in our home.  We are also very grateful to the Robecks who gave up time on Saturday to help us move the washer and dryer into our home!

4.  I was honored to speak with a Women’s Fellowship on Sunday evening and grateful for the encouragement from the ladies and especially the passion some had to further share Judson’s story.

5.  Auntie Rachel spoiled our Jess last night when they went out on a “date” together.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the role Rachel has intentionally and sacrificially played in Jessie’s life ever since Judson got sick.  She holds a very special place in Jessie’s life (and ours) modeling a young woman seeking to honor God with her heart and choices…what a blessing to us as parents to have someone like that seeking relationship with our little girl!

6.  I am very grateful to my friend Anne who was willing, at the last-minute, to let Jessie come and hang out in her home  with her and her son Isaac on Tuesday so that I could finish my preparations to teach at our church on Wednesday.

7.  I was pulled over in my car today because the tags on our vehicle were not up-to-date.  Unfortunately, I had not printed our most recent insurance cards either so my insurance cards were expired.  I was extremely grateful when the police officer allowed me to show him an electronic copy of our up-to-date insurance records on my phone and even though a hard copy is legally required and he did not give me a ticket for lacking proof of insurance.  I am thankful for his graciousness and  that I have a phone that gives me access to that kind of information at my fingertips!

8.  When I drove up to Judson’s gravesite this afternoon, I was really touched to discover that someone had left beautiful red roses for our boy.  My heart swelled with thankfulness to whomever it was that expressed love for our Juddy in this manner!

I just sent Jud’s crib away with a woman named Heather and a little baby girl named Avery Jane growing in her womb.  I became so emotional as she shut the door on her car…she has no idea what that crib means to me; she is driving off with a little piece of my boy.

More letting go…

1.  As the rain pours down in our area this week, I have found myself full of gratitude for the roof over our heads.  Over the last four years I have become acquainted with a kind, local woman who lives without a home and uses the bathroom at our park as her own; I have thought of her many times this week as I have been sitting in our warm townhouse watching the downpour.  I am incredibly grateful to have never been without shelter!

2.  Grateful to have insurance which allowed me to visit the dentist this week.

3.  Blessed that Jessie is developing some sweet friendships and was especially grateful for little Emma this week.  Emma is just 3 months older than Jess and the daughter of my friend, Kelly, that I grew up with.  I enjoyed taking the two girls out this week and watching them play, chat, and have fun together!

4.  I am grateful that Drake had the day off on Monday in honor of MLK and that the three of us had the chance to spend the morning together laughing, playing, going to the pet store, watching Jess run around at the indoor playground in the mall, and enjoying the rainfall at the coffee shop together.

5.  I am honored, encouraged and thankful to have received an invitation to be interviewed on the radio program Talk from the Heart with Rich Buhler toward the end of February.

My heart joins the multitudes in brokenness over the cataclysmic devastation from the earthquake in Haiti.

As I sat in our home two nights ago looking at pictures of Haitians in agony, bodies of loved ones lining the streets, piles of rubble, and severe injuries still untreated, I could hardly breathe.  To taste even for a moment the suffering that instantaneously overtook this already impoverished nation leaves me shuddering in pain, feeling completely powerless, frantically grasping for some way to help, and crying out to God for mercy.

God, why would you allow this?

I am torn apart, struggling to understand how God can redeem this kind of catastrophic suffering, how he can possibly take this evil of epic proportions and use it for good?

...Then I read stories of Haitians singing hymns to God in the town square, crying out to the Lord in praise and worship with surrendered hearts.  I see people all over the world uniting in compassion to meet the needs of a desperate nation.  I see Americans entrenched in a culture of entitlement newly grateful for all they have.  I see hardened hearts calling upon God in prayer.   I see creativity, gifts and talents being used to make a difference.  I see small glimpses of good. 

More than anything, I am convicted that there needs to be praise on my lips, compassion in my heart, increased gratitude for all I have.  May it cause me to fall on my knees in submissive prayer and challenge me to use my gifts to make a difference. 

My finite mind cannot begin to comprehend this tragedy, Father, please show me what I can do!

1. Being the week of our anniversary, the greatest thing that stands out to me this week is gratitude for my hubby.  I am incredibly grateful for our 14 years of marriage and blessed to have had Drake in my life for 17 years now.  As he said in my anniversary card yesterday, “We may never have an explanation of why life has been as challenging for us as it has been, but we trust in One whose love is bigger and deeper than any darkness that we’ve walked through and fall to our knees in gratitude for the blessing of our life together and the Grace that has upheld us.”  I am thankful to be tied to such a faithful, honorable, and genuinely kind-hearted man!

2. As Jessie was riding her bike to Starbucks this week, I was acutely aware of all the wonderful and unexpected gifts people have given Jessie and so incredibly touched by the love and care people have shown for her.

3. Grateful for my friend, Kelly, that I have known since Jr. High.  We got together on Friday and I was reminded what a gift it is to have a friend living nearby that I have known much of my life.  Because I do not live in the area where I grew up, few of my local relationships have the history of long-term friendship.  But I have a lot of history with Kelly (who lives less than 10 miles away): we played youth basketball together, went to church together in high school, double-dated for the prom, she was a candle-lighter in my wedding, we worked together at Biola, she and her husband Craig spoke at Jud’s memorial service, and it is a gift that we continue to share life together.  Our relationship has gone through different seasons but I have found this most recent season to be the richest thus far.

4. Grateful for the conversation I had Saturday night with my friend, Laura, and her honest seeking.  I was challenged and sharpened by our time together,  feeling solidarity in our questions, while also being able to laugh together.

5. It is a very little thing, but I am grateful that my ice tea refills at Starbucks are now free!

6. Grateful for my new friend, Cristina, and the chance to sip tea together on Monday.  I am humbled by the manner in which she is constantly thinking of ways she can use her gifts and talents to share Judson’s story.   Her support is a HUGE gift!

7. Grateful to the anonymous person in our church who offered us a generous, thoughtful gift yesterday.

8. Grateful for the loving, compassionate hug I received from a stranger yesterday.

Thank you, Lord, for all these blessings and more!