Dear Judson,

Much like the day that you left us, today is an average, cloudy day.  Perhaps it’s right that it’s dreary, but what I really wished for then and now is a frigid, tempestuous day that clearly conveys my sorrow and the turbulence in my soul.  But alas, if I could always have what I wished for then you would still be here with me.

But you’re not.  After three years, I’ve been forced to accept that life is without you.  How I grieve that you were taken so prematurely!

Even so you’ve left your mark on me, Juddy.  I’ve lived almost 40 years and you fewer than three, but you are indelibly written on my soul.  Your precious smile, sweet spirit, and resounding voice are still with me and will remain in my heart forever.  You were, are, and will always be a treasure of unspeakable worth.  I am proud of the boy you were; what is more, your endurance through such a heinous disease and so many horrible days with such faith was breathtaking and will always remain with me.

Your life was a short, sweet song of praise to our Father.  I still hear it now.  And if when my last words are sung it sounds remotely like yours I will be thankful.

Until then, I will love you, miss you, and am grateful that I can call you my son!

With all of my heart,
Daddy

A favorite blogger of mine, Chris Brogan, recently asked about the importance of story in life, and it got me thinking…

It’s easy to look at our lives and question what’s going on…especially in the darkest of times.  But if we view our lives as a story, it gives perspective.  It helps us recognize that today probably isn’t the end.  It teaches us to note the challenges and successes of today so that they have a positive and lasting impact on our plot line.  And it helps us appreciate the fact that we’re connected to a multitude of characters who enrich our lives and give us strength for the journey.

This perspective gives me hope as we continue to move forward in life after losing Judson.

Dear Judson,

I love you so much.  I’m so proud of you.  I miss you.

I have such a deep reservoir of love for you.  Even though you’ve left, you have an abiding place in my heart-and you will hold greater sway during my life than anyone I’ve known because you died long before any father would expect.  It doesn’t hurt that you are such a kind, precious, brilliant boy.

Because my love for you is so deep, my grief at your loss is, too.  I am broken.  I don’t know how this will change through the years or how much better I will learn to hold up under it.  But I embrace the reality that I will carry this deep brokenness the rest of my days.

As hard as it is to carry, I am content to do so.  You are such a treasure, my only son, irreplaceable!  And worth every single tear!

Perhaps my brokenness will bear good fruit.  If it gives me greater compassion for others, I will be grateful.  And because I lost you, every day I’m reminded that this earth is not heaven, and I yearn for my true and lasting home more than I ever have before.

It’s great comfort to know that I will see you there.  But it couldn’t be soon enough!

With all my love,

Daddy

At the end of Return of the King, and some time after destroying the ring of power and journeying back to the Shire, Frodo finds that returning home is not what he expected it to be.  His wound at Weathertop and the burden of carrying the ring had taken its toll.

Our loss of Jud and the grief that followed have taken a toll on me.  The world retains many of its joys, and I have much to live for.  But it is not the same as it was for me—and so I understand Frodo’s sentiment.  There is no going back to the way things were.

A few scenes later, we learn that Frodo is granted the privilege of taking one of the Elven ships to the West (this is heaven in Tolkein’s world).  As one who had suffered so acutely from evil, the call to go was irresistible and so he left the Shire.

It’s a yearning I now well understand.  For while I know I must tarry here a while longer, I long for heaven, where these wounds will heal, I’ll be reunited with my beloved son, and I’ll see my Savior face to face.

That’s something to look forward to.

Only one life, ‘twill soon be past, only those things done for Christ will last.
                                                    —Author unknown

I’ve gone through life taking things as they come.  I’ve been known to let things happen rather than make things happen.  I’ve spent a good deal of my life waiting-for the right time and circumstances.

At the same time, I’ve been ruled by my fears and insecurities.  I’ve been concerned about what people would think.  I’ve managed my risks.  I’ve doubted myself and questioned my ability to do things.

Recently, something has changed.

I’m still very deliberate.  I still feel those doubts and fears.  But today, I’m unwilling to be slowed by those things.

What changed?  I’m not entirely sure.  But I think my son has a lot to do with it.

I can’t help but think of where he is-in Heaven, with Christ.  More than anything now, I want to live for Heaven’s Kingdom and Heaven’s King.  And when I see my son again, I want to hear my Savior say, “Well done!”

I really enjoyed teaching yesterday at Grace Fellowship  Church (our home church).  It was nice to unexpectedly see some old friends there, too.  What a blessing!

Here’s a link to the message, which is entitled, “Barnabas: A Good Man, Full of the Holy Spirit.”

http://www.gracefellowshipchurch.org/_sermons/gfc20080727-message.mp3

In light of what Acts says, do you think it’s fair to say that Luke means for Barnabas to be an example for people just like us?  Are you as challenged as I am by his story?

I’m excited to preach again at our home church (Grace Fellowship  Church) this Sunday, 7/27.  The sermon will be about “Barnabas, A Good Man, Full of the Holy Spirit” from Acts 11:22-26.

In case anyone’s interested, here’s the link to my last sermon from January on prayer:
http://www.gracefellowshipchurch.org/_sermons/gfc20080113-message.mp3

Dear Judson,

I have so much in my heart to say to you, Son-so much that you already know.  That I love you tons and tons.  That I’m so very proud of you.  That I miss you.

You are written indelibly on my soul.  Much of me will not endure beyond this life, but my love for you will.

With all of my heart,
Daddy

Dear Jud,

I miss hearing you sing.  I miss having you belt out songs and seeing you move as you sang.  You must have known a hundred of them-and what you weren’t taught, you just made up yourself.  I still remember hearing you sing, “Alligator!” and wondering when you came up with it.

Of course, we had little success coaxing you to sing.  We were proud parents, but you didn’t sing for show when we asked you to.  You would on your own, however, if you found yourself in the mood-then, you would sing again and again and again, without ceasing.

Now, your song is gone to us.  We have great memories and videos of you singing, but it’s not the same.  They just can’t do justice to the enthusiasm you brought to your singing.  Losing you meant losing so much of joy and music from our lives.

Yet I know you’re still singing.  And I look forward to the day in which the old order is gone, the shadows pass and we join with you in the enduring song of praise for our God and King.

Come, Lord Jesus!

Love,
Daddy

Dear Judson,

The other day, Jessie asked if she could watch videos on the computer.  We have videos of her, which we offered to show.  But, as always, she wanted to watch yours.  She sat and watched the video we showed at your funeral with me as she so often does.

Your sister loves you, Jud.  And like the rest of us, she misses you!

Your momma and I used to tell you that you were Jessie’s favorite person.  Well, it’s true!  So when you left, she felt the loss.  My sense is that she’ll feel that over her lifetime.  As sad as your mom and I were to lose you, Jessie’s loss may pierce us more.  Our hearts are full of so much love for you both-and so we think of all you would have meant to each other for a lifetime.

Of course, for you it was a lifetime.  That’s just the problem!  I expected to see you have more birthdays.  I hoped to see you grow from a boy to a man-at the same time Jessie Girl grew to be a woman.  But she will grow older and, hopefully, live a long life, and you will remain frozen-at least from our perspective-at almost three years old.  How I wish it would have been different!

Still, Jud, we will carry you with us for a lifetime!  That includes Jessie.  You can be sure that she will hear our memories of you and see the pictures and videos.  She will know that she has an older brother who loves her very much.  She will, like we do, carry you in her heart for a lifetime.  And, for all of us, that will have to be enough.

You’re in my heart, Judson!

Love,

I got a watch a few weeks ago-in honor of you.  I think you would like it as much as I do.  It’s like the watch you got shortly after you got sick; it has Lightning McQueen on it.

I would never have thought to purchase a watch with a cartoon character before.  But since you left, I’m holding on to anything that will help me remember you-like toys, things in our home, places we spent time together, and pictures of you.

The watch holds a very special place, though.  Because you loved Lightning McQueen.  Because it has your name on it.  Because it has my name on it-the name I also gave to you because you’re my first and only son, and I’m your dad.

Oh, my son.  I miss you so much.  I love you so much.  I don’t know how to live without you.  My heart is broken!

With all of my love,

Daddy

I miss you.  More and more, I can’t remember the fine details of life with you.  I’ve forgotten so much.  But my heart remembers and rejoices and weeps all at the same time, even if the details elude me.  In your life, and now your death, you’ve left your mark on me, Juddy!

I wish you were here for our sake.  But I’m glad you’re not for yours.  And I’m so grateful that your suffering is over!  But I miss you terribly!  From the day I first heard of your coming, I was destined to love you for all of my life.  I still am.

And so the tears come.  They are an ever-present companion.  How I wish it was different!  I’d trade almost anything to see you again, to hold you, to hear your laugh, to smell your hair just for a few moments.

Instead, we have memories and videos and pictures.  And we have a few of your possessions.  Over time, my memory will sadly continue to fade, and perhaps my grief will diminish.  But the embers of my heart will continue burn strongly for you, my son, until it ceases to beat and I am united with you again!

I love you and miss you!

With all of my heart,

Daddy

Dear Judson,

It’s been five months since you left us, and I still can’t get used to living without you.

Life has its joys.  I love your mom.  I treasure your sister.  But my heart has made permanent room for three people in this world.  You’ve left a terrible hole that cannot be filled by anyone or anything else.

I know I’m going to see you again.  But I also know that things didn’t finish the way I would have wanted them to.  I didn’t get to tell you how much I was going to miss you.  I told you that I loved you again and again and again, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have said it a few more times.  I’m glad that we had so many nights together, even if I wish we would have done more talking and singing.  I really miss hearing your voice!

My heart aches, Judson.  Sure, I’m sad that the earth won’t have you-I know what a blessing you are and know you would have served the cause of the kingdom by your life.  But most of all, I’m sad that we won’t have you here.  From your mom to Jessie Girl to your cousin Carson and all of the rest of us, we miss you terribly.  I always told you that you’re a treasure-and now, everyone knows that you are and sees how grievous our loss is.

I know that the Father has me here for now-my purpose here is not finished.  Still, my heart wells up with hope and tears at the thought of seeing you again!

I love you, Jud!

Tons and tons,
Daddy

Dear Judson,

I miss you.

Just a few months ago, I was holding you, teaching you, loving you, and raising you.  Sadly, you’re a ghost to me now.  Oh, how I wish I could touch you, wish I could speak to you and tell you how much you mean to me.

My heart aches.  You have all my love, and all of my hope.  Sadly, you’re gone, and so much of the best of me is gone, too.

I know I have to live here without you, but I’m not sure how to do it.  Is it good enough that I carry you in my heart?  How can I not?  You are written indelibly in my heart!  And so I know that as far away you are from me, my soul testifies that you are here within me, in the deepest part.  I hold this memorial within, and it will never be removed.

I will see you again!  And until then, I remember.

Love,
Daddy