Today marks 2 ½ years of living without our Jud Bud.  Within just a few short months Judson will have been gone longer than he was alive.  The tears over losing him remain perched in the corners of our eyes, apt to fall upon every remembrance of our boy.  But we continue to trust that God can use our tears to water a harvest that will bring glory to his name.

And we are honored by the manner in which doors are opening to share Judson’s story and grateful beyond measure for your willingness to stand behind us as we move forward with this ministry.  There have been many circumstances recently that have felt as though the enemy is seeking to thwart our efforts—uncommon and unexpected things that seem to touch at the core of our weaknesses.  We want to step out in faithfulness wherever God may be calling us but we are so deeply aware of our need for him to sustain us. 

Here are a few specific areas where we would covet your prayers:

• Drake’s job situation


• Eyes that See


• Christina sharing Judson’ story on Life Unplugged TV.  The episode will be filmed May 17^th.


• Christina speaking at The Drive 4 Hope on May 21^st.


• The post-production of the documentary Judson’s Eyes that will premiere at the Talent 1 Media Film Festival on June 19^th at 3 pm.


• The other speaking and teaching opportunities before us.

Thank you for caring about our family.  Sometimes if feels like we have taken some larger strides on this journey and other times if feels like we can hardly crawl, but whatever the case we want to persevere.

Much love,
Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends…

We have very exciting news to share with regard to Judson’s book.

But before I delve into the good news, I want to provide a little context about the publishing industry for those of you who, like me, have limited knowledge about the business…

In recent years there has been an explosion of books on the market.  Approximately 290,000 books were published last year, just in the United States.  Because of the sheer volume, nowadays most traditionally published books are be put into full distribution –meaning they are available everywhere books are sold by purchasing online or placing an order through a bookstore—but only a very small percentage of those books actually make it onto bookstore shelves.  It is estimated that less than 15% of books published each year are actually carried in stores by retailers.   And of those 15%, the five largest publishers (Random House, Harper Collins, Time Warner, etc.) account for about 80% of shelved books.  All that to say, for an unknown, no-name, first-time author, published by a small, Christian publishing house out of Oklahoma to be picked up by a major book retailer for in-store sales is extremely rare.  Hence the exciting news…

Barnes & Noble has decided to carry Eyes that See on their shelves. 

Our publisher met last Thursday with the buyer for Barnes & Noble and, though the specific details have yet to be determined, they have chosen to include Eyes that See in their summer line-up of new books in stores.  And because Barnes & Noble is the leading in-store book retailer worldwide, other bookstores are expected to follow.  This is HUGE news for the little book that grew organically out of the life and death of our precious boy.

So here is the low-down… Eyes that See is currently in Early Release and available now for immediate purchase exclusively at STORYofJUDSON.com.  The Official Release date remains April 6, 2010 at which time the book will be in full distribution and available everywhere books are sold (online or in-store ordering).  Then in July 2010 Eyes that See is expected to be on Barnes & Noble shelves.

We are grateful, encouraged, and trust we are continuing to see God at work in Judson’s story.  Understandably our hearts are all wrapped up in this project as it feels like a piece of our beloved son, but we want to move forward with open hands, constantly surrendering our hopes for the legacy of our boy, allowing God to work however he may choose. 

Thank you so much for your love and support.  It means the world to us!

Always missing Jud,
Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

We have two especially exciting things to share with you.

A couple months ago our publisher informed us that they had selected Eyes that See: Judson’s Story as one of their “Focus Titles” for the year.  This is a HUGE honor in that out of the hundreds of books they publish annually, they only choose approximately 16-20 books as “Focus Titles.”  These books receive extra marketing and promotion by the publisher and are highlighted as their top books. 

Consequently, our publisher has a big meeting regarding Judson’s book this Thursday, February 11th.  Without going into detail, the outcome of this meeting could make a marked impact on the promotion and visibility of Judson’s story.  We are asking for your prayers—for God to be especially present as the Director of Marketing represents Judson’s story, for Eyes that See to be well-received, and that God would continue to bless this project by opening doors.

Speaking of open doors, we are honored by an invitation to be guests on the radio program Talk from the Heart with Rich Buhler.  Talk from the Heart is a long-standing radio program airing in southern CA on KBRT AM 740 weekdays from 3-5 pm.   We will be joining Rich on Tuesday, February 23 from 4-5 pm PST.  Non-local listeners can also catch a live stream of the program at KBRT740.com.  We feel privileged to be able to share Judson’s story in this way.

Thank you for blessing us with your love, support, and prayers!

With gratitude,
Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

5 Years Ago Today...

We were given the most precious Christmas gift!

Judson remains the most precious Christmas gift imaginable!

Today we celebrate the gift of our little man, but also deeply grieve his absence.

Happy 5th Birthday, Buddy Boo!  We are always missing you!!

Dear family and friends,

Going into Tuesday night’s book signing at Starbucks near our home in Costa Mesa, we didn’t know what to expect—it was the first book signing for Eyes that See and full of apprehension for Christina.  Even though book-signings are an expectation from the publisher, it felt like a risk and we half-wondered whether Christina would spend much of her time just twiddling her thumbs at the table hoping people might stop by.

As it turned out, Christina didn’t have any time to twiddle her thumbs with the many who came out to support us.  Friends showed up to the event early and a steady stream of people came through Starbucks until after 7 p.m., the scheduled end-time.  All in all, we had over a hundred folks of all ages join us.  We were honored and encouraged by the outpouring of love and kind words from so many and enjoyed all the activity at our favorite Starbucks—what a blessing!

We’re grateful to all who joined us that night to celebrate Judson’s life and the book that shares his story.  We are also very thankful to our hosts at Starbucks on Harbor and Wilson, to Dean and Sarah for helping us sell books and keep an eye on Jessie, and especially to Cristina Robeck for taking photos throughout the night—she really captured the vibe of the event!  (See more event photos on Judson’s Facebook Page.)

How many more signings will Christina do?  Time will tell…  But we were certainly blessed by the celebration we had Tuesday night and grateful for the opportunity to share Jud’s story in this way!

With gratitude,
Drake (on behalf of Christina too)

Dear family and friends…

With Jud's book Eyes that See now in limited-release much has been happening for our family.

Many of you may have already noticed, but Judson’s website has been significantly upgraded with a great deal of new material, including:

1. Eyes that See page


2. Book Trailer Video


3. Judson’s Legacy Speaking Ministry (Listen to clips of Christina and Drake speaking)


4. Opportunity to Donate to Hunter’s Hope in Judson’s Honor


5. A Brief Biography of Judson


6. And so much more…

If you haven’t done so, we hope you will take a little time to look around and rediscover STORYofJUDSON.com.

Christina is also having her first book signing this Tuesday, December 8^th from 5 - 7 pm at our favorite Starbucks in Costa Mesa on the corner of Harbor and Wilson.  If you live in the area we would be blessed by your presence.  Come grab a coffee and a copy of the book (or bring your copy if you already have one) or simply come celebrate with us!  Click here to learn more.

We are also honored to have had the Daily Pilot, a local newspaper affiliate of the L.A. Times, pick up the story.  The article titled “Family Sees Past Loss to Gratitude,” published in the Sunday, December 6 edition is available online at http://www.dailypilot.com/articles/2009/12/05/entertainment/dpt-levasheff120609.txt.  We are grateful for their interest in Judson’s story!

We want to offer many thanks to all who have eagerly purchased a copy of Eyes that See – what a great encouragement to us!  We also want to let you know that we are giving away two free copies of the book...simply post your name in the comment section of Christina’s 500^th blog post and two names will be drawn to select the recipients.

Our lives are full.  Our hearts are full.  We are grateful.

Much love and gratitude,
Christina and Drake

Today marks two years.  Two years without our beloved son.  Two years of mourning.  Two years of longing.  Two years of heartache.

The day Judson died we could not imagine surviving two years without our Juddy…we could not imagine making it even one day without our boy.  But here we are, two years later.  Slowly, and with a severe limp, we have been putting one foot in front of the other.  The darkness of November 7th has gradually been touched with light.  And as we have been learning to live with the tremendous weight that accompanies suffering and loss, we have been discovering the joy that can even be found in recognizing that our lives are not our own—relinquishing the desires we have for ourselves and submitting to the plan God has for us.

Yet, even has we have been growing in our ability to live in loss, we have continued to seek relationship with our Jud Bud.  We have continued to pursue him, even in his absence.  We have continued to embrace him as our son and Jessie’s brother, never to be a forgotten member of the family.  Trusting Jud is a fully alive boy in heaven, we believe our efforts will ultimately manifest in eternity.  Moreover, we also believe there is much to be gained even in this lifetime through our on-going relationship with Jud.

And there is no question we have been inspired by Judson.  He is continuing to reshape the very fabric of our lives, giving us vision for our future, stimulating our ministry as a family, and challenging us to be faithful servants.

We often step back and wonder with tears, aches, and pain how this became our journey and would give anything to return to the life we had before Judson got sick.  But we are also overcome with gratitude for the ways God has been moving and working.  Most of all we just stand in awe that the Lord gave us the incredible privilege of parenting such a blessing of a boy, even if it was only 2 years 10+ months.

But that great privilege also continues to stir our grief.  Grief stinks.  Grief separates.  Grief isolates.  Grief makes us vulnerable.  Grief fatigues.  Grief is needy.  Grief is hard.  But what has blown us away as we have approached two whole years of living without Jud, is that people still remember.  People still care.  People still pray.  People still think of us.  People still reach out.  Even when grief stinks, we are so grateful to know we are not alone.

Thank you.

With love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends…

Many who read these updates were journeying and praying for our family during Judson’s illness, crying out to God with us for healing.  God did not heal our son.  But in the process, he is giving us a ministry of comfort to those who suffer.

This update is to ask you to consider partnering with us again in prayer, this time crying out to God with us for the healing of many hearts through Jud’s story.

We have been lead to start a ministry, Judson’s Legacy, in honor of our boy.  It will exist to encourage, challenge, and comfort people with the hope of Jesus Christ through writing, speaking, and audio/visual media. In addition, we will partner with compassionate organizations, like Hunter’s Hope, that minister to those who suffer.

If we have learned anything through Judson’s affliction, it is that God moves mightily in people’s hearts when his Church comes together bowed before the Throne, calling upon the Lord to manifest his kingdom here on earth.  Our God is a God of comfort, reflecting his heavenly reign.  He has comforted our family in our troubles and we long to extend that comfort to others (2 Corinthians 1:4).

As I write this letter, Judson’s book, Eyes that See, is now in the hands of the printer.  Would you join us in prayer for this project?  Would you ask our Father to pour out his Spirit through the pages of this book, that all who read would encounter God in a new or fresh way?  Would you ask the Lord to begin preparing hearts to pick up and read Judson’s story?  Would you ask God to continue to make our Juddy a blessing?  Whether it be people reading the book, or invitations to speak, or opportunities to write more articles, or through watching Judson’s videos, would you ask God to open doors for this ministry?  Please also pray that God would place a hedge of protection around our family as we further engage this battle that is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12).

We believe he is calling us to use the gifts he has given us coupled with the journey and story that has become ours.  We want to be faithful.

We are incredibly grateful for your partnership in prayer, support, and love!

With hope,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends…

As the season is changing—pumpkins displayed in every store, talk of costumes, and the smell of hot cider—the leaves on Judson’s tree are turning brown.  Watching his sycamore slowly lose its foliage seems to aptly reflect the cycle of dying that seems to occur in my heart with the onset of Fall.  The intensity of pain has increased several notches as we are surrounded with seasonal reminders that bring us back to the last weeks with our little man.

It is strange to be one month from the second anniversary of Judson’s death.  What would otherwise be considered a significant amount of time, allowing much to occur—our precious lady growing from a toddler into a little girl, a book on the brink of being published, a documentary in the works, and many more gray hairs—our hearts feel the ache of holding our Jud Bud while he took his last breaths as if it were yesterday.

We feel pressures with the lapse of time, as if we should somehow feel different than we do: both internal and external pressures constantly poking at our tender places, elevating our fears and frustrations.  And it becomes a constant necessity to throw ourselves into the arms of our Heavenly Father, begging him to allow his perspective, and not that of anyone else, to speak loudly into our raw places.

And he does.  He reminds us that he loves us.  He reminds us that we are his.  He reminds us that he is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and yet still cares deeply for little ol’ us.  He reminds us that he is enough.  And oh, how we need to be reminded that he is enough!

As we soon enter our third year of living without Jud, after November 7th I expect I will no longer write a Levasheff Update each month, but rather, periodically update when there is new “news” in our lives.  I will continue to regularly write in my “No Artificial Colors or Flavors” blog, which I’ve always intended to be my raw, honest experience of life…in the last two and a half years, my entries have obviously been colored mostly by my journey with Jud, but as time passes I imagine it will morph into other things as well.

Though we ache and cry and continue to groan, we have much to be thankful for.  Our hearts are especially full as we consider the people who have consistently walked with us through the highs, lows, and deeply broken places, even sacrificing their own comfort by personally feeling our pain.  Thank you for filling us up by genuinely caring!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

We seemed to recognize movement in our grief more significantly this month than we have before.  It was a busy month with the Krabbe Symposium, the first filming for the documentary, Jessie’s birthday, deadlines in working with the publisher for the layout of the book, and vacation on Balboa Island, but in the midst of all these things we began to recognize how much our emotional and even physical reserves have grown in the last 22 months.  Though the sheer length of journeying through loss can be terribly discouraging, especially as there are so many peripheral pains that impact us as well, we are encouraged to see progress in the healing of our hearts.

We will be participating in an Every Step Walk down in Oceanside this month to raise money for Hunter’s Hope (Team Jud’s Buds).  This is in part because we are toying with the idea of locally organizing such an event in honor of Judson and hope to gain some insight into the process.  We will keep you posted with our plans.

September brings the beginning of a new year of activities (teaching team for women’s Bible Study, couples fellowship, etc.) but it also leads us into the fall season, finding us on the cusp of the 2nd anniversary since Judson entered his heavenly dwelling.  We are overcome with hope as we envision Judson living vibrantly in paradise, but his absence from our home here on earth continues to grievously affect our every thought and feeling.  We have been told that there will come a day when our many notions of Jud will simply be expressions of joy, but for now they remain deeply colored by sorrow.  So we continue groaning through our pain, all the while praying that even our lament can be an act of worship.

Thank you for your love and support,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

As we hit 21 months without our Judson, the two year anniversary of losing him feels like it is right around the corner.  Somewhere along this journey I made a personal commitment to very intentionally write, as openly as possible, about the depths of my grief through the first two years.  It is mind-blowing that much of that time has already passed, but also staggering how intensely we continue feel grief.

I could still burst in to tears at any moment throughout my days, yet, I do so far less often.  The layers of our grief continue to be peeled away, yet my mind and heart have slowly begun to accept many of the realities of our loss.  My boy’s absence continues to weigh heavily on my heart, finely woven into the majority of my thoughts, but I am growing accustomed to living this way.

We continue to perceive that part of God’s call for our lives now is to tell His story as portrayed through the life of our Jud.  We trust He wants to continue to use our son to work in people’s minds and hearts, leading them into deeper, more authentic relationship with their Creator, or even drawing people unto Himself for the first time.  Whether it be the website, or the book, or speaking engagements, or any other avenues the Lord puts before us, we are committed to allowing Him to use our boy however He sees fit.  Many of you have been journeying with us for the last two years, first praying for Judson’s healing, then praying for our family as we grieve, and now we hope you will consider partnering with us in prayer for our ministry as it continues to unfold.  We long for God to be present in all we do, blessing our efforts for the sake of His own glory.

That being said, as I have mentioned previously, part of Judson’s legacy is a short documentary that Talent 1 Media is creating about our little man.  Production begins this month!  We will actually be doing our first round of filming on the weekend of August 22 & 23.  As things move forward, we have wanted to be very intentional about bathing this project in prayer—asking the Spirit of God to move and work in and through this film.  This Monday, the evening of August 10, we will be having a video conference with the director of the movie to pray over this project.  Would you be willing to pray with us on the 10, 22, & 23 of this month, wherever you may be, and ask God to sanctify this project, protect the hearts and minds of those involved, and even now begin working in the souls of all who will see it.  We hope to see God move mightily!

There are other exciting things happening this month too!  Jessie and I, along with my mom (Drake could not get the vacation time) will be traveling to Buffalo, New York this Tuesday to take part in the Hunter’s Hope Krabbe Symposium for families and doctors.  We are definitely looking forward to the trip, but also anticipate the heavy emotions that come from being with other families who have walked a similar path while interacting with children who are currently afflicted by the disease.  But it will be especially nice this year to have faces I look forward to seeing and I am honored to be facilitating one of the sessions.  I expect the trip to be a rich time.

Upon our return we will be celebrating Jessie’s 3rd birthday on the 19th.  We marvel at the little lady she is becoming, soaking in each moment, our hearts overflowing with gratitude, while amazed by her growth and development.  We are certainly blessed to be the parents of two awesome kiddos and grateful that we are being given the gift of watching Jessie continue to grow and thrive.

Learning to rejoice in our pain,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends…

This weekend was full of excitement as Sarah and Dean, our dear friends, committed their lives to one another on Sunday, July 26.  It had to be one of the most beautiful, intentional, God-honoring, thoughtful, creative, and meaningful weddings I have ever enjoyed!  And we were honored to have our whole family take part, Jud included.

For those who are unaware, when Judson became ill and I began to need assistance caring for both kids as his needs increased, Sarah committed to help me as a daily caregiver.  She sacrificed her heart and risked by deeply loving our dying boy, providing him the best possible last few months of life.  Jud would light up in Sarah’s presence and thoroughly enjoyed the games they would play together, even as his abilities decreased.  Through this journey she has become family to us.

Sarah began to date Dean during the season of Judson’s illness and we quickly grew to love and respect him too.  Dean is such an honorable man and we feel blessed to have him in our lives as well.  For almost a year now, we have been getting together with the two of them once a week for dinner and are grateful to be closely walking through the ups and downs of life together.

That being said, it was truly a gift when they asked the two of us to stand with them in their wedding, along with inviting Jessie to be a flower girl.  But what surprised and touched us even more was this note:

I don’t think I can begin to describe the emotion Drake and I felt upon receiving this card, followed by the tremendous gift of actually experiencing their beautiful tribute to Jud on their actual wedding day.

Dean and Sarah tied a blue balloon to the ring bearer pillow as a representation of Judson’s presence and wrote the following in their program:

I was overwhelmed as I read these words; my face flooded with tears, representing thousands of emotions that words could never express, including gratitude, joy, and sorrow.  This kind of uncommon love reached the depths of our hearts in a way few things can.

We were incredibly honored this weekend by Dean and Sarah’s care for our family and also tremendously blessed to witness their love for one another…a significant testimony of God’s goodness, faithfulness, and love! 

We hope you will rejoice with us in the union of Dean and Sarah! 

With love,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

P.S.  If you would like to express your congratulations to the newlyweds, they will see all comments posted here.

P.P.S.  As a tribute to their new marriage, I thought I’d post this “music video” that was shown at their wedding.  Enjoy!

The 7th is upon us again and we have been living 20 months without our Jud Bud.  Each time I write one of these updates, I search my heart trying to understand what my most pervasive feelings have been during the month.  The last couple months have felt similar…as though we are slogging through, but trying to live well in our sorrow along with all the other challenges that are part of everyday living.

However, this last month held many days of remembrance, triggering greater intensity of emotion on such occasions.  We experienced the two-year anniversary of when our world started to crumble on the 13th of June.  We celebrated Judson’s half birthday on the 24th of June, acutely aware that he would now be four and a half.  And we noted the day that Jessie surpassed her brother in age on July 3rd, a particularly daunting reality.

We continue to peel away layer after layer of our grief, exposing the depths of our sorrow incrementally.  I see it as a grace that we experience the many nuances of losing Judson gradually, for surely we would be unable to bear up under the full weight of our loss all at once.  Yet, this also means there are constantly raw areas of our wound, and I have become very weary of my grief.  Therein, I have been asking God to ignite our joy, to grow our enthusiasm for the path he has for us, and to give us patience and endurance as we persevere through our heartache.  So often, before losing Judson, I would hope for these things through a change of circumstances, but since our little man’s absence is irreversible, I am challenged to find the joy and enthusiasm that is inherently part of growing in relationship with my Father, not necessarily a result of external blessings.

But it should be noted that there are some external circumstances that are particularly exciting.  This month I finished my final edits on Judson’s book and everything seems to be moving along as expected; the manuscript is now in layout, which is the final stage of production and then it will move to marketing and distribution.

Furthermore, we had mentioned in a previous update that we were approached by Talent 1 Media, a non-profit organization designed to impact the world through arts and media, about allowing them to produce a 10-minute documentary “to share God’s hope and faithfulness through Judson’s testimony.”  The film will be directed by Peter Chung, an award-winning filmmaker, especially known for his work on “Name, Age, Sex,” a documentary about human trafficking.  The project proposal has been developed and pre-production is underway, with the expectation that this film will be available as media resource to churches, organizations, and individuals.  We feel so honored to have Judson’s story told in this manner!  If you would like to view the proposal you can click here and if you feel inclined to financially support this project you can go to http://talent1media.org/donate and designate the donation to “Story of Judson.”  We look forward to writing further updates about the progress of this project.

After composing the last two paragraphs, I am struck by the profound ways that God is choosing to use our little boy.  We miss Jud so much, but also cannot deny the work that God is doing.  To him be all glory, honor, and praise!

Thank you to all who continue to be mindful of us in prayer.  We would really value your prayer support for Drake’s work situation (sorry to be vague), for the above projects, and most of all, as I stated previously, for God to make his abundant joy more alive in our hearts, despite our pain and circumstances.

Thank you for seasoning our lives with love and grace by walking this journey with us through the gift of technology.

Much gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Another month has passed, making it 19 months since Judson went to live with his Savior.  Arriving at 19 months since his death has triggered thoughts of when Judson had reached 19 months of life.  It was at this age that he welcomed his little sister Jessie into our home and became a big brother.  Gosh, he loved her well and enjoyed being with her!  Our hearts were constantly overflowing with sweet emotions as we watched Judson care for his little Ladybug.

Strangely and painfully, it will be during this month of loss that Jessie will outlive her brother.  On July 3rd Jessie will be 2 years, 10 months, and 14 days old—the exact age when Judson died.  I burst into tears at the thought.  To see her grow and thrive is pure joy, but to watch her develop also brings awareness of all we have missed and will continue to miss without our beautiful son.

Today also marks exactly two years since Jud’s first doctor’s appointment due to my concerns about his increasing lack of balance.  The doctor sent us away that day without alarm for the long-term health of our little man, but it was just six days later, on June 13th, that our tumultuous journey began. 

It is hard to believe it has been two years!  Our lives have certainly not been what we thought they would be (though I imagine many people look at their journey and feel similarly).  So part of our continuous struggle is to release many of our expectations for this lifetime and submit to the plans God does have for us, learning to live and persevere in faithfulness even when we wish life looked different.

Always grateful for you who love us!

Much love in return,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

P.S.  There has been a great deal of progress on Judson’s book.  If you haven’t already read about it on my blog, you can find an update here.

A year and a half has passed since Judson passed.

As I reflect on the last 18 months, it is apparent that a year and a half without Jud is different than half a year…but that’s all it is—different!  It’s not easier.  It’s not harder.  It’s just different.

There is something else I realized today as someone at Starbucks noted the picture of the little boy on the pendant around my neck, is that I no longer describe my loss as “recent”.  A couple months ago I would be talking about Judson and mention that he “recently passed away,” then immediately get a little sheepish at the realization that no one else would probably describe his death as recent.  Yet, today I was struck by the fact that my wound does not feel quite as fresh…not as raw…no longer new.  This grief, this sorrow, it IS my life.  What could once be described as something that shocked my life has now become my life.

Drake and I were talking a couple nights ago about all the challenges of living with this sorrow; it is as though we desperately desire to be “normal” again, but we must come to grips with the reality that this IS our “normal” now.  The very fabric of our lives spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally, has changed.  We are not who we were before our boy got sick.  We are different.  And though we may long for the life we once had, it no longer reflects who we now are.

This is our journey.  This is the road, the trail, the path that is leading us toward wholeness.  I often wonder how I got here or why God chose this course for me, but it’s my story.  I desperately wish my story could be different, but it cannot.  And so I cry out to God , constantly begging him to do something with this broken life of mine.

Thank you for being part of our broken life.  If you read about our journey, we consider you a part.  And quite frankly, it means the world to us that people still care enough to read.  The drama to the story is gone.  The newness of the story has subsided.  I believe it could only be love and compassion that keeps someone engaged and reading at this point.  So thank you!  Thank you for caring about a little family in Southern California that is living in sorrow.

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

The 7th is upon us again, marking 17 months without Jud.  As I sit here trying to convey the feelings in my heart, I am finding it difficult to describe in words.  It is as though anything I might write could either minimize our pain or overly exaggerate it…which maybe, coupled with the tears pooling in my eyes, communicates volumes.  There is forward movement with a struggle that is ever-present.

The last month was very full with our travels to England and New York, so we are looking forward to slowing down a little this month, part of which entails helping our new furry friend adjust to our family.  For those of you who may not have seen “Joys of Jessie”, we adopted a little rescue Maltipoo last Friday who we hope will serve as a companion to our Jessie Girl.  Our home has already been filled with laughter and giggles as our little lady finds her “real doggy”, Howard Fritz Levasheff, to be quite fun.

Speaking of Jessie, we continue to blow our minds at what a gift we have been given in being able to raise and watch her grow.  Though clearly unique, she reminds us so much of her brother, particularly her bright, articulate speech.  Yet, we have recently been struck by the fact that she has now surpassed her brother with her abilities…where she continues to gain aptitudes at this age, Jud was severely declining.  This leaves us so incredibly grateful on the one hand that we are being given the opportunity to see one of our children develop further and so dreadfully broken over what Jud endured at this stage in his life.  This is intensified when we consider that Jessie is less than two months away from surpassing her brother in age.

We miss Judson so much!!  He remains primary to our thoughts and a central part of our daily lives, conversations, and even actions.  Oh what we wouldn’t give for just a moment in his presence, but we keep our eyes fixed on an eternity of pure, unhindered life together.  God continues to bind our broken hearts with this hope.

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends…

We have certainly felt like jet-setters the last couple weeks with our travels to England and now just returning from Rochester, New York.  In fact, we had three different lay-overs in the Newark airport within one week, making it feel like a second home.

Our trip to New York was a quick one, flying out on Thursday and returning late Saturday…but we had a fabulous time at the Hunter’s Hope Candlelight Ball.  For those of you who are unaware, Jim Kelly, a Hall of Fame quarterback who played for the Buffalo Bills, and his wife Jill had a son named Hunter who died of Krabbe disease.  They started the Hunter’s Hope Foundation in his honor and have used their notoriety and gifts extremely well for the sake of raising awareness of this horrible disease, offering support to families afflicted by Krabbe, propelling research for treatment and cures, while also progressing the cause of Universal Newborn Screening.

Over the last several months Hunter’s Hope has been using one of Judson’s videos to educate doctors, legislators, and benefactors about Krabbe disease and it was an honor to have them invite us to be present on this occasion.  At the Ball, Judson’s video was shown to patrons and supporters, helping raise awareness and funds for the organization.

I was especially moved by the chance to hold Madison, a little girl from Rochester with Krabbe disease.  She is almost the exact age that Judson was when he died and as I stroked her porcelain skin, kissed her soft face, and played with her delicate fingers in clenched fists, the tears poured from my eyes remembering what it was like to hold Jud in those last months.  The onset of Madison’s symptoms began at 6 months of age and she has since lost almost everything, including her smile, but to look upon her face is to see sheer beauty.  I was mesmerized.  As heinous as Krabbe disease may be, these children are incredible gifts and such reminders of that which is truly valuable in this lifetime.  I believe God must have a special place in his heart for little ones who have suffered such as this.  Holding Madison reignited my passionate disdain for leukodystrophies and my desperate cries for God to have mercy on the broken-hearted!

Though I would give anything for the opportunity to hold my little man, it would be amazing someday to know that Judson may have an impact in saving the lives of babies who would have otherwise died of various diseases, but instead their parents will have the chance to hold their children and watch them grow and thrive.

We are so grateful for all the opportunities we have recently been given and praise God for giving us such a wonderful little boy…though our pain is ever-present, we are blessed to see the Lord moving and working within our heartache, using Jud to be a blessing in multiple ways.

Praise God for his mighty work!!  We continue to surrender our hearts to him.

With love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

P.S.  A special thanks to the Hunter’s Hope staff:  Jacque, Kelly, Caitlin, Andrea, Krista, Tiffany, and Michelle.  Along with all the volunteer staff, especially Edie, Patti, Chris, and Erin!

Dear family and friends…

We have arrived home from England and had an absolutely fabulous (or “lovely” as the English might say) time.

Here is a slideshow with some of the highlights from our trip:

On Friday night thousands of dollars were raised for www.savebabiesuk.org.  It was an honor and gift to be present on the other side of the world where our little boy was not only being honored, but also helped to bring in funds for such an important and significant cause.  In fact, it was surreal.

The evening began with a two course meal, then after dinner they showed a three-minute video of our Jud Bud, followed by two comedy sets with the headliner being Jason Manford, a comedian on the BBC hit show 8 out of 10 cats, and the night concluded with a band.  Meanwhile they had a raffle and auction that raised over $5000.

Something that was impressed upon my heart as we left the event was how much of a difference one person can make.  This entire evening was the brainchild of Mel Moon, who was moved by the story of Jack MacPherson in a magazine which lead her to Judson’s videos and in turn, propelled her to plan this event to raise funding and awareness.  This chain of events has served as a significant springboard for Save Babies, a new charity in the UK.  Furthermore, Jason Manford, this genuine, personable, and highly sought after comedian in England has since signed on to be the charity patron for Save Babies UK which will help launch this organization significantly in their country.  There is also the potential for some business sponsorships to come alongside Save Babies.  It is a gift to know that perhaps Judson played a small role in furthering this cause.

It was a privilege to be present and even acknowledged on this evening. And as Drake and I soaked in the experience, we could not help but be overcome with gratitude for how God is choosing to use our son.  We want to continue to be faithful and open to whatever it is he may have for our boy.

We had such a wonderful time in England, it was a treat to make some new friends on the other side of the world, and we were proud to be part of an important charity event.

Speaking of charity events, we will actually only be home a couple days and are excited to head out on Thursday to Rochester New York for a Hunter’s Hope charity ball.  It is a whirlwind, but all well worth it.

Thanks to all who have thought of us and also prayed for us during our travels.  We continue to feel so loved and surrounded!

With love,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

We have lived 16 difficult months now without Judson, and every month we are profoundly aware that these months will likely turn into years and possibly even decades.  This is such a sobering reality as our unmet longing for our son does not diminish with time, despite the constant changes in our sorrow and grief.  However, as the passing of each month leads us farther from the day we lost our Jud Bud we inch closer to our reunion with the sweet boy we miss so much.  This is the hope that keeps us going each day…that our relationship with our beloved son is simply on pause and one blessed day we will enjoy life together again, a life not hindered by sin and death.

This last month has been full of ups and downs.  I might even describe the ups as getting higher but the downs tend to be particularly low.  Yet the greatest gifts continue to be the ways in which we see God using Judson’s life.  At one of the events where I spoke, five people expressed a desire to turn their lives over to God for the first time, eight people indicated that they wanted to return to Him, and 23 others shared with the leadership of the church that they had pains they needed/wanted to release to the Lord.  Though our Father chose not to heal our son, we are seeing how our little boy’s life is bringing healing to others. This is an incredible encouragement but also a sobering reality.  On the one had I am profoundly touched by how God is working, however, I am also conflicted by the extreme price we have paid to see God move through the life of our boy.  It hurts!  I desperately wish that Judson did not suffer and die, but since he did, I cannot imagine a greater gift than to see his life touch others!

On a different note, this last week we had come to grips with the likelihood that we were not going to be able to attend the big benefit honoring Judson and Jack MacPherson in Great Britain (“Two Big Boys in Loving Memory of Two Little Boys”) because the flights they were hoping to swing for us had fallen through.  However, a family at our church got wind of our situation and anonymously donated the money for us to purchase airline tickets.  We are blown away by their generosity and kindness!!  Another incredible blessing that has touched us significantly.

That being said, Drake and I are absolutely thrilled that we will be on a flight to the UK this Friday, March 13th.  Mel Moon, the comedian who has arranged this entire benefit, has set us up with accomodations in London, York (thanks Nicky and Roger!), and lastly Burnley where the event will take place on Friday, the 20th.  It will be such a blessing to be present on this occasion, and it is our hope that Judson’s videos and story will have a significant impact in raising money for Save Babies UK.  We are so honored that he is being included!

Four days after we return from the UK we will jump on a plane to Rochester, New York for a Candlelight Ball for the Hunter’s Hope Foundation with whom we are developing a partnership.  Whenever I speak I give out literature for their organization and they regularly show Judson’s videos and share his story with legislators, doctors, and benfactors.  Most recently Judson’s video and a message I had written were shown and given to the Federal Advisory Committee for Newborn Screening.  Jacque Wagoner, the CEO of Hunter’s Hope expressed that “it was a powerful presentation leaving no dry eyes and images they will not soon forget.  Judson’s story would long be on their minds.”  We are blessed that Jud’s life might make an impact for the lives of future children as well as affecting people spiritually.

Our lives are full.  And beyond all these wonderful experiences, we have a beautiful little girl who fills are hearts with incredible joy and gratitude.  Jessie turned two and a half on the 19th of February and continues to amaze us as we see her grow in personality and character.  Losing Judson has exponentially grown our understanding of the gift we have been given in our Jessie Girl.  Gosh we love our little ladybug!!

I’ll conclude by saying that we feel as though those who follow our story have become like partners in our journey, feeling the ups and downs with us.  Though we may not know you or even know that you are reading, thank you for engaging our lives in this manner.

With hope and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

“We give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:12-14

Another month has passed, and we have now lived 15 months without Jud.  As I sit here and type this, Drake is across from me with red, swollen eyes after having spent some time watching videos of Judson and letting the emotions flow today.  As to be expected, we miss our boy with an unquenched thirst.  But this thirst is beginning to feel less and less foreign and becoming part of the basic fabric of our lives.

This month, month 15, is the first month since Judson died where we have actually felt somewhat like functional human beings.  It is the first month where every other emotion has not been completely smothered in grief and anguish.  The periods of intense brokenness continue, but the heavy burden of sorrow that weighs on our hearts has not been pressing down upon us with the same intensity.

We have now lived through the first year of loss, Judson’s second birthday in heaven, our second holiday season without him, and have moved into a new year - a year that is offering us many things to look forward to: Judson’ story being published, speaking engagements, a trip to the UK (hopefully if the logistics can be worked out!), a trip to New York as guests at a benefit for Universal Newborn Screening…

And there is a new development.  We have been approached by Talent 1 Media to have a short feature documentary made about Judson’s story and our testimony therein.  We are only in the very preliminary stages but will be meeting with the director in the next month to discuss logistics.  We would be so honored to have the opportunity to share his life in this manner.

The Lord is truly blessing us by giving us a glimpse at how he wants to use Judson’s life…

But the cost is HUGE!  I just want my boy, and wish none of these things existed.  Yet, grounded in the reality that he is gone, they are a great gift!!!

We are also thrilled to announce that Sarah, our dear friend and sister who served as Judson’s caregiver during his illness, is engaged!!  Her fiance Dean has also become a wonderful friend and we are honored that they have asked both Drake and I to stand with them on their special day.  Furthermore, they invited Jessie to be a flower girl and even wrote Judson a beautiful note asking him to be an honorary ring bearer.  We are SO touched! 

On a different note, things have been very challenging for Drake at work.  Vanguard has gone through some significant transitions and challenges that have really affected him and the many others connected to the university.  Some important changes have recently been made and a great leadership team is now in place but they face quite a battle to overcome some of the past difficulties.  We would covet your prayers for Drake as he not only deals with the loss of his Jud, but also faces considerable stresses at work, and even a few other things that have made it a tough season for him.  Yet, I must say, he amazes me the way he has handled it all with such grace and honor.

Our Father continues to show His faithfulness to us.  Each day may we learn to rest more comfortably in His loving arms.

Thank you for caring enough to want to know what is happening in our lives.

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends,

Today, 14 months since Judson’s life in heaven began, we have very exciting news to share!

On January 1st I signed a contract with Tate, a small Christian publisher to have Judson’s story published.  As of today, the working title is “Eyes that See: The Story of Judson”.  It is a compilation of all the letters and blogs I wrote during Judson’s illness and a few of my journals since he died.  This new venture is a huge gift, coming more quickly than we had imagined, and once again showing us ways in which God is redeeming our pain and planning to use our little boy.  We feel honored!

This does, however, mean that until the book is in print, his full story will no longer be available on the website.  So as of today, you will only find excerpts from the book, but you can click on the “Judson’s Story is Being Published” button to sign up to be notified when the book is available.  It will likely be about a year before production is complete.

I have thought many times how this book would never have been written if not for the family, friends, and even strangers who cared enough to follow our journey during Judson’s illness by reading CaringBridge and my blog.  Because you engaged, I felt more compelled to write, and now it has given us another avenue to share our boy!  So thank you!  Thank you for caring about our family and for loving Judson!!

Please pray that God will be honored and glorified through this project and that Judson’s story will find its way into the hands of those whom God would desire to have “Eyes that See”.

We hope you will celebrate with us!!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina

Today marks 14 months since Judson opened his eyes and could see the loving face of his Savior.  It also places us at the start of a new year.

As was to be expected, the Christmas season was very difficult, though there were certainly moments of genuine joy.  We found ourselves unable to do some of the things we might have otherwise wanted to do and we shed buckets of tears, but we also celebrated the birth of our boy and our Savior, imagining their relationship together now.  We are grateful for the times we had with family and friends who made every effort to understand the complexities of our grief during the holidays.

There is much that could be said, but when it comes right down to it, we just miss our boy.  We continue to miss him terribly!!  The pain remains, impacting our daily lives, but we also recognize that parts of our wound are beginning to heal.  And we are grateful for a God who continues to reveal His love to us in surprising and unexpected ways.

Moving into 2009, we are thankful to have opportunities arising for us to share Judson’s story.  Both Drake and I are looking forward to some speaking engagements that are lining up—as individuals and also as a couple.  We will be speaking together in Vanguard University’s chapel on the 27th of this month, and then also sharing at different churches in the area in February.  If you are interested in having us speak at a church, ministry, or other event, (together or just one of us) please don’t hesitate to contact us.  We would be honored!

Furthermore, our alma mater, Biola University recently published an article I wrote; it came out this week in the Biola Magazine and can be viewed on line with the following link:

God’s Presence Revealed Through a Blind and Suffering Boy

We are so grateful for the many opportunities that are being made available to us and find them to be a touch-point of excitement in the midst of our grief.

Before I close, I wanted to mention that I will be going in for surgery tomorrow, the 8th.  Without getting into specifics, I need to have some repair work done for damage that occurred during my pregnancy with Jud.  It is an out-patient procedure and not too invasive, but my activity will be limited for a couple weeks.  We would really value your prayers—that there would be no complications during the surgery, that it would be successful, and that I will heal quickly.  I have never been put under anesthesia before so I am a little nervous about that too.

As always, thank you for loving and supporting us by engaging our journey.  We are so grateful!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends,

We are a month into our second year of living life without our Jud Bud and also well into the Christmas season.  The deep, ever-present ache over losing our little man continues to be the most prominent emotion in our hearts, but we are becoming more adept at living with it.  However, these holidays are actually proving to be more difficult than the previous year.

At this time last December our minds and hearts were swirling with so much commotion and pure shock over losing Judson that we actually seemed to float through the holidays in a daze.  Furthermore, Jessie was so young that she was somewhat indifferent to the festivities, and didn’t require holiday cheer from us.

Now, as the excitement of the season whirls around us, the gnawing sorrow in our souls makes it extremely hard to get wrapped up in the merriment.  It is as if most people around us are enthusiastically walking around with a big, bright, colorful holiday balloon, but our balloon burst, and we’re left standing there holding a string tied to a fizzled, ruptured, piece of rubber.

That being said, Jessie gives us reason to push ourselves—to engage the season through the eyes of a beautiful two year old girl who is herself holding a fresh, new balloon that is just beginning to fill.  Without her, I’m not sure we would find the energy to decorate, or buy gifts, or go to Christmas events.  She is a wonderful reason to press into the pain and engage the holidays.

The other reason to push ourselves is the actual reason for Christmas—the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  It is only because Emmanuel has come that we have hope.  In fact, we desire Christ-filled celebration and worship to flow freely from our hearts even when much of the associated festivities lack luster for us now.

We also face Judson’s fourth birthday on Christmas Eve.  Oh, what a memorable Christmas that was in 2004!  But, instead of watching our little man blow out his four candles, we are relegated to celebrating his life by decorating a grave.  Yet, even though there will be no cupcakes or birthday gifts torn open by an enthusiastic four year old, it will certainly be a day of honoring the blessing that graced our lives and continues to touch us every day.

Please check out Judson’s “In Memoriam” page where we have posted three new videos that people (strangers) have recently made in honor of our beloved boy.

As we are in the final weeks of the year 2008, a year of profound brokenness, grief, sorrow, and sadness for us, we also stand as a testimony to God’s faithfulness in severe pain.  We have grown in our understanding of His love, we have been touched by His grace anew, and our confidence to trust our Heavenly Father has increased.

It is our hope that if you have been following our story and do not personally know the God we speak of, the One who sent His own Son to be born as a baby and serve as an offering for each of our broken lives, that you might give your heart and life to Him this Christmas.

Much love and Merry Christmas,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Dear family and friends,

I am honored to have been invited to have my blog “No Artificial Colors or Flavors”  highlighted on the Christian Women Online (CWO) website.

I was interviewed for the feature; you can find the content of the interview by clicking on the picture above or going to CWO Spotlight.

Hope you’ll check it out!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina

Dear family and friends,

Many people have asked us how we spent our time remembering Jud on the first anniversary of his death.

The day began with tears , was filled with tears, and ended in tears, but there were sweet times in between.

We gathered with extended family in the morning at Judson’s tree in Wilson Park.  Each person tied a special ribbon on the posts that uphold the sycamore, and then we simply sat together soaking in the significance of the day.

At 11:30 am, the time of Jud’s death, some of the family gathered in Jud and Jessie’s room and we lit a candle in honor of our little boy’s life.  Drake and I laid in the khaki sack where our “Buddy Boo” breathed his last as everyone shared emotions, stories, prayers, words of encouragement, and their love of Jud.

In the afternoon, Drake and I went by ourselves to Judson’s gravesite for reflection and connection; it was a sorrowful but important time for the two of us.

We were also blessed the following day by some friends who stopped by to show their love and support.  They brought balloons for us to release together, wrote notes to Jud, shared with us the significance and impact our little man has had on their lives, and gave us some tangible gifts.  We were touched by their efforts, thoughtfulness, generosity and love.

Overall, the weekend was filled with beautiful notes, some precious gifts, thoughtful messages, and love from numerous people.  We were surrounded significantly in prayer and upheld by the thoughts of SO many who have been journeying with us.  This is what keep us from crumbling - the unexpected love of others.  We are extremely grateful for the support!

We are most moved by the hearts of dear ones (both familiar and unfamiliar to us) who have not only felt for us in our pain, but have actually entered into our experience wherein our pain has become their pain too.  Thank you to all who have hurt with us, beyond just hurting for us!

As all the commotion of the occasion from the first anniversary dies down, we still hold very broken hearts.  May time continue to slowly quell this ache.

With tremendous gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

We face this day with the realization that our boy has been gone a year - a whole year.  It absolutely blows our minds that today marks the first anniversary since we ushered Judson into the arms of Jesus.  An entire year has passed?!!?!  How is that possible?

It feels as though we’ve been living in a cloud.  Looking back on this year is extremely hazy, leaving us wondering what transpired in the last 365 days.  The grief has been so thick.  In fact, we never would have anticipated when Judson died that we would still feel so raw at this stage, as if our gaping wound is almost as fresh as ever.

The hardest moments have been when Judson feels intangible, unfamiliar and far away.  It’s as if he is just a mirage, and the substance of who he is eludes us.  These feelings are excruciating and leave such an indescribable emptiness in our hearts.

But we also have sweet moments when we can practically smell, taste, touch, see and hear him.  It is as though his laughter is ringing in our ears, we can smell his sweet blonde hair, we can feel his flawless soft skin, and see his big huge brown eyes staring back at us.  We savor these moments more than any earthly pleasure. 

A year without Judson also means that our precious Jessie is a year older.  The 19 months that once separated them in age is rapidly diminishing; it won’t be long until Jessie is older than Jud.  But most heartbreaking is the fact that she has grown accustomed to living as an only child even though she has a big brother.  We see her playing in their room, on our patio, in the park and elsewhere, and cannot help but think how it would have been with both our precious kiddos together.  It hurts so much that Jud isn’t there to show her the ropes, sing with her, chat with her, and even frustrate her as siblings do.  Instead, Jessie is alone. 

The hole Judson has left is massive, and this first year of surviving without our boy has been inexpressibly painful.

But, this first year of surviving without our boy has also been transforming us. 

Our eyes are transfixed on heaven.  One of our greatest treasures resides with our Savior and our hearts have followed him there.  Now, more than ever, eternity is in view.  Losing our boy has reshaped who we are, our hopes for the future, and how we want to live our lives.  It reminds us that every breath is a gift and to cherish each moment.  We also know now more than ever the beauty and importance of community as others have faithfully journeyed alongside us in our pain.

The Lord’s promise to uphold us in darkness has proven true in our experience and we continue to thrust ourselves into His embrace, knowing that He is the only true hope we have.

Most of all, we are SO incredibly grateful for Judson.  We have been given an amazing gift in our sweet son and continue to feel blessed by his short, but meaningful life.  Indeed, it has been exactly one year since we ushered Jud into the arms of Jesus, but we continue to grieve with hope…

One year of living without our boy means we are one year closer to our reunion in eternity!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Some exciting things have been happening with Judson’s story, without any efforts of our own…and, believe or not, it’s all taking place in the United Kingdom!! 

It began with an article in the UK about a little boy named Jack MacPherson who died of Krabbe in April of this year.  The article listed a link for more information.  A woman named Mel Moon, a comedienne in the UK, read the article and wanted to find out more about Krabbe so she went to the link and actually discovered footage of Judson.  This compelled her to go to his website, watch more videos, and read his story.

Here are her words describing the experience:

“I saw Judson and just cracked.  I’d never seen anything so moving in all my life so I went to bed wondering what I could do. The next day I approached a few members of the comedy circuit to see if they would help me with an event.  Initially I thought I’d just use a normal gig to raise money, but when these others were so affected too, I figured we could do something bigger.”

And BIG it is!

Mel has rapidly moved forward in the planning of a high-profile comedic charity event in the UK that will take place on March, 20, 2009 to honor residents of the region who have been affected by Krabbe, increase awareness of the disease, raise funds for Newborn Screening in their country, and prominently share the stories of “Two Little Boys”—Jack MacPherson and our beloved Jud.

Here are more of Mel’s thoughts:

“The event will focus on the UK, with the only exception to the rule being Judson; he will be a huge part of the event.  The reason for this is, aside from him spurring me on, I can honestly say he will forever and ever be etched in my heart as someone that taught me life is far more than how many gigs you can do a week or how many stars you get in a review. Life is about doing what you can to make a difference…Let’s hope that someday you can get over here with your family and see for yourself what your son started here in the UK; somewhere he never even got to visit but will live on with every event I organize—I promise you that!”


And this is turning out to be quite an event!

The headlining acts for the event are well-known comics Jason Manford who is a star of the popular TV show “8 out of 10 cats” in the UK, and beloved comic Mark Rough.  It will be a 550 person event at the Burnley Football Club with a 2 course meal and a huge cake displaying Jack and Judson’s faces on the top tier.  The evening will include a comedy set followed by an auction, a band, and then video footage of Jack and Jud prior to the release of balloons lasered with the names of UK residents who have been affected by Krabbe disease (Judson will be included too).

We are absolutely blown away by all of this.  It is an incredible blessing to see Judson’s story have this type of impact,  and Mel’s efforts remind me how one person’s passions can make a HUGE difference.  We are just so thankful for our new relationship with Mel Moon and the people in the United Kingdom who are supporting this cause.

A website will soon be launched with more information about all that Mel Moon and others on the UK comedy circuit are doing for the cause of Krabbe.  We will keep you posted as to when it is up and running.

Extremely blessed and honored to see Jud’s story alive and active,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

As of today, we are one month from the anniversary of Judson’s death.  It is hard to believe he has been gone 11 months.  It is hard to experience the memories of what we were going through at this time last year.  It is hard to carry on in life while mourning.  And it is especially hard to know that our little man is irreversibly gone from this world knowing that these 11 months will be multiplied exponentially.

However, it is good to know that Judson has been set free from his pain and suffering unbound by time.  It is good to experience the sweet memories of our incredible little blessing.  It is good to carry on in life with hope.  And it is especially good to know that we will be reunited with our precious child forever when all our months and years in this world become like a nano-second from the perspective of eternity.

But until then, as we remain here, we are torn apart in continued bereavement.  October feels like the marker of an upcoming season wrought with particular heaviness and sorrow.  It is this time last year when we began to see the indicators that Judson was facing imminent death if not for miraculous intervention.

Now, a year later, our boy is gone!  It is sinking in that he is really GONE!

I admit to, at times, feeling quite alone on this road of exceptional loss (which seems to be a natural by-product of losing a child), but I also know we have been uncommonly surrounded with love and support in incredible ways.  In our tragedy we have been given numerous and great blessings!!  We want to continue to have hearts of gratitude that see those blessings.

As each minute passes the default lifestyle is to just try and “make it” without our son.  Yet we also know there is purpose to his story.  We have been asking ourselves some important questions…  What does God want to do with Judson’s story—our story?  What does God want to do with us as individuals and as a family in light of this journey?  Though we are still grappling with grief, we have our ears and hearts open to His leading. 

Thanks for caring enough to keep up-to-date on our lives.

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

We were so blessed to have over 25 people join us for the “Walk for a Cure” with the Stennis Foundation.  We all proudly sported our yellow “I’m a Bud of Jud the Stud” shirts as we walked around the beautiful lake at Laguna Niguel Regional Park. Then many of us enjoyed brunch together at the local Original House of Pancakes (thanks Gary & Carla!).

It was emotional at moments and surreal to be part of an event where our son was an honoree because he lost his life to a dreadful disease, but mostly the walk was a sweet symbol of the way so many have walked alongside us throughout this journey. 

A special thanks to all who joined us today, to those who pledged financial support for this event, to those who purchased “Jud Bud” shirts, and to all the others who have loved us in such numerous ways.  We are SO grateful!

I am enclosing a picture here, but if you would like to see more pictures from the event, you can check out Judson’s Facebook page and even become one of his “fans”.

Much love and thankfulness,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Jud has been gone 10 months.  Time is passing.  Life continues.  But the gaping hole in our hearts remains.

As we are only two months away from the anniversary of our little man’s death, I am reminded of an experience I had at “Judson’s Park” back in October 2006 (several months before the onset of Krabbe disease).  I began to chat with a woman who, a couple minutes into our conversation, shared that she had lost her 5 year old son just a year prior.  I was so taken back by her story and unable to even begin to imagine the depth of her loss, but I also specifically recall thinking that her grief had likely diminished significantly at that point—a year seemed like a long time to me.  I realize now how unfamiliar I was with severe loss and how it’s very likely my assumptions about her sorrow were completely wrong. 

The other day I was at a local coffee shop and ended up chatting with a man, and as our conversation unfolded, he asked me how many kids I have.  After informing him that my almost 3 year old son died last November, he kindly asked me if I still get emotional sometimes.  The question surprised me….still get emotional?!!!??!  Does he not see my bloodshot eyes from the tears I just cried this morning?  Does he think it doesn’t hurt very often anymore?  And then I remembered my conversation in the park back in 2006; unless you’ve been through it, it’s so hard to understand the enveloping nature of severe loss.

We are on a very long journey of grief.

This last month has been one of my hardest since Jud died.  My grief certainly looks and feels different than it did in the beginning months, but it has actually been just as searing as of late.  And Drake had a season where he was feeling pretty good, but he has hit another low too.  This is simply a natural part of grief—the ebb and flow.  But when the sorrow hits severely, it is hard to see much else.

That being said, I have begun to notice changes in my heart that seem indicative of progress toward healing too.  I have observed myself responding differently in some areas than I initially did after Jud died - changes that seem more healthy and whole (a future blog post in the making).  It is strange to notice progress, but encouraging as well.

I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office this week when a stranger suddenly turned to me and said, “Are you Christina?”  Perplexed and surprised, I responded in the affirmative and then she proceeded to tell me that she has been praying for our family for almost a year.  She said, “You probably have no idea who God has raised up to pray for your family, but there are many.”  Right at that moment she was called into the doctor’s office, and I was left standing there with tears pooling in my eyes and an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  Who are we that anyone should be mindful of us?  We are astounded when people mention that they continue to cover us in prayer.  And may I be so bold as to say that we still desperately need it…we have discovered that the doldrums and challenges of life seem to hit hard while we are weak and weary under this heavy blanket of sorrow, making us easy targets for the enemy to attack and try to take root in our sin-prone souls.  “Thank you!” does not adequately express how grateful we are for each and every prayer that is offered on our behalf.

Along with the love expressed through prayers, we have had some other blessings arise this month .

Angels Charity, a non-profit organization in Costa Mesa, kindly included Judson’s name on a new sign at a local playground.  This was a huge honor and we are so touched!  You can read more about it and see pictures on Judson’s In Memoriam page.

We had the chance to finally meet and catch lunch with a family that significantly co-labored with us in prayer throughout Judson’s illness and has since continued to love and support us.  They happened to be in our area for a family wedding and it was a gift to finally connect face-to-face.

Lastly, Jessie turned two this last month.  She continues to be a saving grace, a symbol of hope, a tremendous joy, and an incredible blessing just like her big brother.  We are regularly in awe over our little “Ladybug” and grateful for each moment we have with her.  Just like Jud, we recognize that she is not ours; she is simply a precious gift entrusted to our care.  We pray for God’s grace as we seek to honor Him in our parenting of her, asking that He protect her from any ill-effects of our grief and pain.

As we move into the Fall which is filled with a whole host of emotional triggers for us, we want to continue to lean into the Lord and trust.  God help us to that end!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

As of today, it’s been nine months…we’ve been without Jud for 9 long months, and we miss him SO much!!  To many it may seem as though time has flown by, but each day can still feel like an eternity when we’re itching to be reunited with our “Mr. Man.”

Interestingly, up until the last month, Drake and I felt as though we tended to be in similar stages of our grief, though the emotions affected us at very different times.  However, this last month has felt dissimilar.  Drake has been experiencing more calm in the waves of grief, while I still feel like I am in large swells.  Yet, either way, I perceive we are both getting better at breathing deeply and freely in the midst of our sorrow.  Whether the waves are small or large, we’re growing in our ability to ride them.

We have been learning so much about ourselves, our marriage, our gifts, our hopes, and our fears in these last nine months.  It is as though losing our son has put a microscope on every facet of life, causing us to inspect and re-evaluate each minute detail.  The lens we use to view the world has changed, and everything is affected.  We are being encouraged to ask ourselves, “What might God be preparing us for?  How might He want to uniquely use our journey?  How can we use our experience for the Kingdom?”  We want to keep our eyes and hearts open to His leading.

That being said, Drake has decided to start working with the college and young adult ministry at our church and I am going to serve on the teaching team for the women’s Bible study in the Fall.  We feel enthusiastic about these roles and are grateful for the opportunity to serve our church community that has loved us so well in our hardship.

Drake is also feeling called to get back to writing his dissertation for his PhD.  He has gone through a long season of questioning whether or not He was still feeling called to complete it, but after much soul-searching, he has decided to re-engage this passion.  We would covet your prayers as this feels like a very large mountain to climb!!

Christina is also working with the Hunter’s Hope Foundation to compile a video of Judson to raise awareness for Universal Newborn Screening (UNBS).  This video will be shown to legislative and policy-making bodies on both state and national levels.  UNBS is an important initiative for MANY diseases, not just Krabbe.  Most states do not test for several of the recommended diseases, even those that have cures (some requiring a simple change in diet), but instead lead to death.  It would be an incredible gift if somewhere down the line, Jud’s story might have an impact in helping a child who would have experienced imminent death, but instead might live a full, vibrant life.  We will keep you posted when the final version of the video is available.

We are just thrilled to have this Story Of Judson website and hope that God can continue to be honored through Jud’s and our journey-serving as a genuine testimony of the Lord’s character and faithfulness in suffering.  Thank you for passing Jud’s site along to others and sharing his story!  If you had posted a link to Christina’s previous blog anywhere on the web, would you consider updating the link to the new site?—This would be a huge help for generating direct traffic to his site (which is important for search engines).  We’ve also had requests for a banner link to this site; we will be creating one in the near future, so please email me and let me know if you’d be interested in the HTML code to post a banner link for StoryOfJudson.com on another website.  Furthermore, RSS feeds are now available for our updates and blogs if that’s your preference over email notifications. 

Some of you have stuck with us, reading our story, praying, crying, and grieving for over a year now.  Wow!  Your commitment to our family, in just these ways, has provided an undergirding that may not be visible but has been sustaining us in significant ways.  Thank you!

There have been many times that my flesh and my heart have certainly failed in the months since Jud’s death, but God has definitely been the strength of my heart and will be my portion forever.—Psalm 73:26

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Today marks one year since we were informed that Judson had Krabbe disease.  I vividly recall the phone call from Jud’s geneticist, one year ago today, indicating they had discovered the enzyme causing Jud’s leukodystrophy and that it was indicative of Krabbe disease.  Any inclination toward hope of a misdiagnosis was shattered in that moment and it felt as though my world collapsed.

Today we launch this website (www.StoryOfJudson.com) as a reminder that though we lost Jud to this hideous disease “our future is not without Jud, but because of Jud”(EB).

Once again, we want to express our thankfulness for all the incredible ways we have been surrounded.  And a special thanks to Clark Studios who worked pro bono to provide the incredible graphic design of www.StoryOfJudson.com.  We are so grateful!!!  God has certainly been good to us, especially through the love of others!

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

It has been 2/3 of a year since Jud passed away.

This is SUCH a difficult journey.

Our wound can feel like it is scabbing up a little bit, but then gets quickly nicked, causing us to wince in pain as it bleeds profusely. In those moments, it feels as raw as ever.

Our lives are very full these days. Drake and I just returned from a wonderful trip to Colorado (via Sedona, AZ, which was a highlight, too); we’re grateful to the Hogans for ministering to us so well! Jessie and I are heading off to New York tomorrow to attend the Hunter’s Hope Symposium for families affected by Krabbe disease. I look forward to meeting other families who have walked a similar path, but also expect it to be very challenging too.

Our hearts continue to grow in our longing for heaven…a place free of sin, sorrow, and death. How sweet it will be to live in eternity with our Savior and our son!

Much love,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

When I woke this morning, on Judson’s ½ birthday, sorrow gripped my heart tightly in anticipation of the day originally set aside to celebrate our boy’s life, yet now occurring in the throes of grief over his death.

But tonight, I lay my head on my pillow, gripped with tremendous gratitude over the manner in which God has unexpectedly loved us on this bittersweet occasion.

It absolutely blows my mind that after 8 months people are still mindful of our family and sensitive to our needs. We were overwhelmed today with love-a love that, quite frankly, seems supernatural. It is a love that has been poured upon us without expectation or condition, full of generosity, kindness, and enthusiasm. I admit to feeling unworthy of and humbled by the kind of love that has flooded our parched hearts today.

Thank you to the MANY people who contributed to our surprise this evening…we were SHOCKED to be blessed by such an array of gifts that particularized us in our interests and needs. This experience will be seared on our hearts as a reminder of God’s goodness to us when we are feeling especially low. There are no words to adequately express our gratitude.

We also received cards, flowers, emails, posts, and calls from people who remembered the significance of our day today.

All of this truly amazes us!

These gestures mean far more than anyone can imagine. There are times it can feel as though we are in the abyss and then people reach into our lives to reveal that there is light, there is significant light, and we are not engulfed in darkness. And most of all, they remind us that we are not alone, which can be one of the greatest pains in loss.

Thank you for all who continue to regularly remind us that we are not alone! Whether it be today or the MANY other days and ways we are touched by overtures of love.

We were given an incredible blessing in the opportunity to be Judson’s parents and we celebrate his life today. We have also been given an incredible blessing in the support we have received in his suffering and death.

Thank you for continuing to journey with us!

Much love,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Today, June 13th, has been etched in our minds as the date our affliction over Judson’s journey with Krabbe began.

On that fateful Wednesday morning, we met with Judson’s pediatrician and the whirlwind picked up from there. I was told to take Judson immediately to the ophthalmologist, encouraged not to even stop for lunch, and that an emergency MRI was being ordered. At the time, the doctors were functioning under the assumption that Judson had a brain tumor; after the MRI (which occurred the following morning), Jud was going to be rushed to Los Angeles for brain surgery if any abnormal growth was visible.

Though they did not discover any tumors, they saw damage in the white matter of Judson’s brain…everything began to spiral downward from there.

I am realizing (as expressed in yesterday’s blog), that anniversaries are particularly hard because the memories from the difficult days flood my mind. They replay over and over. In turn, my new emotions of grief and sorrow are forced to mix with the emotions that were present on the day being remembered. It is a double whammy! And the challenging remembrances are also viewed through a lens of hindsight that gives a sobering reality to what had occurred previously.

This day last year was also the day we sent an email to a handful of family and friends informing them of our sudden concern for Jud. Something that stands out to us is the manner by which God used that small group of people to mobilize such incredible love, support, tangible assistance, and prayers for us. Beginning with those who received the first email, our story reached thousands of people, and we have had the amazing gift of knowing we have been upheld by SO many-family, friends, and strangers alike! It has enabled us to endure.

It is a sorrowful anniversary day, and we are baffled at what has occurred in the last year, but we also thank God for the way He has upheld our family since last June. We have much to be grateful for, including the sweet little man who graced our lives and left his beautiful mark on us and this world.

Even though we have been through the valley of the shadow of death this year, evil will not triumph, for the Lord has unceasingly been with us; His rod and His staff, may they continue to be a constant comfort. Amen. (Psalm 23:4)

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

P.S. Our hearts are also with “Kenji” Harris (www.caringbridge.org/visit/lekendricharris) who is one of the small handful of children in the US with late-onset Krabbe. As I write this, he is fighting for his life! Please pray for his family too!

Today not only marks 7 months since Judson was set free from his suffering and ran into the arms of his loving Savior, but it also marks exactly one year since Judson’s first visit to the doctor. My concerns had begun to heighten after observing his increased stumbling and wobbly balance.

Dr. K, whom I still love and think is fabulous, assured me that it was probably just a virus that had affected Jud’s balance and things could be expected to clear up in a couple days. If not, I was directed to bring Jud in again. Dr. K also indicated that there are more serious things that can cause such symptoms, but since they are unlikely scenarios, he wanted to keep me from worrying about them at that juncture.

I was surprised that a virus could cause these types of symptoms, but I left his office with some relief. Unfortunately, but rightfully so, I quickly became concerned again as I saw things worsen over the weekend. The following Wednesday, June 13th, is when our lives began to be ripped apart.

It was exactly 5 months from the first doctor appointment to the day of Judson’s death. Looking back, it is hard to believe that his body deteriorated so rapidly, and yet those five months were the longest months of our lives. Judson suffered so severely-we are thankful that he is now whole!

However, we remain in deep pain, sorrow, and sadness.

We continue to profoundly grieve the loss of our Jud Bud. It remains a constant in our minds and hearts, affecting everything we do, say, and experience. We imagine that somewhere down the line we will grow in our ability to live with our loss, but for now and quite some time to come, I expect it will remain thick and heavy.

In our mourning, it has been important for us to find ways to honor Judson and find healing in our grief.

The City of Costa Mesa planted Jud’s sycamore tree and installed his bench at “Judson’s Park” this week. We are planning to have a small dedication ceremony for family and close friends that will include a ½ birthday memoriam-Jud would have been 3 ½ on the 24th of this month.

We are also thrilled to be just weeks away from launching Judson’s website. We will certainly keep everyone posted when this occurs!

Another recent transpiring includes plans to attend the Hunter’s Hope Symposium in July. It is a conference designed for the small community of families who have been affected by Krabbe disease. Jessie and I will be attending (unfortunately, Drake cannot go), along with Sarah and my parents. We look forward to connecting with other families who have walked a similar path.

Speaking of my parents, we are fortunate to have them staying on Balboa Island again for the month of June. It is a treat to have them close!

Lastly, we are ending the month of June with a trip to Standing Stone Ranch. Some friends of ours have a ministry to Christian leaders at their ranch in Colorado; they invited us to join them for a week. We are looking forward to this time of respite. Furthermore, on our drive through Arizona, we will have the opportunity to visit some of our new friends who have been significantly supporting us on this journey.

As we enter the anniversaries of our most difficult memories, we are grateful to all who have unceasingly walked this road with us. Your prayers on behalf of our family, especially now, are coveted more than you can imagine!!!

We want to run with endurance the path that is set before us. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Much love and gratitude,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

We feel deeply the significance of today, exactly 6 months since Judson’s death. We have been living half a year with only shadows of the boy that graced and blessed our lives for almost three. Strangely, there are times it feels as though it was just yesterday that Jud was racing his cars around our home, singing, and laughing, and other days it feels as though decades have separated us from those memories.

Our lives continue to be engulfed by grief. Certainly we are experiencing an increase in moments when joy intermingles with our sorrow, and we are grateful for the reprieve, but if grief comes in waves, this current wave has forcefully pounded us. Furthermore, it is also hard not to see the large swell that is rapidly moving toward us as we approach the anniversary of Jud’s onset of Krabbe (end of May)-a season carrying such painful memories.

Living in a world that isn’t always comfortable with grief continues to be one of my greatest challenges. I must regularly resist the temptation to retreat completely from society-it hurts so much to function as if everything is okay, but this is often necessary.

Admittedly, I fear being overly bleak as I express our journey of emotions today, but Drake reminds me that it is what it is, and part of our road toward healing, as we are reminded in our bereavement counseling, is not only experiencing the pain but also expressing it. And we are so grateful to all who persist in “listening” to us and offering support, in many different ways, as we continue to convey our anguish over the loss of our Jud Bud.

On a brighter note, Jessie lights up our lives in such incredible ways, and were Judson with us today, he would be so proud of his sister and the way she is following in his footsteps while also paving her own.

As our prayers remain filled with lament, we cry out to God to remind us of His character and give us glimpses of His goodness as he stills our souls through our grief and pain.

Much love,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

Today marks another anniversary since Jud’s death. I might have thought after 5 months that a little of the pain would begin to abate, but it just seems to morph into different forms of deep, heavy grief.

However, we experienced a reprieve on our trip to Kauai. We cannot express enough gratitude to the many people in our church who contributed to send us on this vacation. It was such a blessing to enjoy the beauty of the Garden Island and get away from our day-to-day world of sorrow. We did lots of hiking and snorkeling, took a helicopter ride and enjoyed a boat trip that gave us an opportunity to see the uninhabited side of the island. It was a sweet time!

Coming back, on the other hand, was more difficult than we anticipated. I, in particular, experienced significant anguish with re-entering my daily life that screams of our loss.

We found Easter, the celebration of our risen Lord, to be a great reminder of the hope for which we cling, but it also proved to be heart-wrenching as we could not escape visions of last year when Jud was racing around my parent’s backyard to hunt for hidden surprises tucked inside plastic eggs.

All the “firsts” without Jud prove to be extremely difficult and we have another “first” coming up as my birthday quickly approaches next week. These occasions accentuate his absence, serving as glaring reminders that our family is so incomplete without him.

We have been working with the City of Costa Mesa to have a park bench and tree donated to Wilson Park, also known in our home as “Judson’s park”, in his honor. They will have plaques displaying his name and the years of his life: 2004-2007. This is a particularly special way to memorialize him because it was one of his favorite places, and we can see it through the windows of our home. The Parks and Recreation commission has approved our proposal and the target date for completion is Jud’s ½ birthday on June 24th.

We ache for our precious little boy, but continue to be amazed at the many ways people are still reaching out to us. I honestly do not know how we would be making it through this season without the constant love, compassion, and thoughtfulness of so many. Our hearts overflow with gratitude!

I close my letter today with the sustaining hope of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” -Psalm 71:20-21

Much love,

Christina (on behalf of Drake too)